20 Weeks off Propecia: 140th day off drug
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin
So happy to provide a new update! This is always the highlight of my month! Hang on tight, cuz I’ve got a lot to say.
Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 4/10 slowly improving
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 Good, solid improvements that can’t be ignored, still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 4/10 Can’t deny that I get some now. Although weak, they’re there
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate could be better 7/10
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility
Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10 Enjoying things slowly but surely, looking forward to things
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! Still the same AND DEBILITATING!, “presence” has improved
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness Not horrible but definitely not what I once was 6/10
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought Happens but only a little more than the average person 7/10
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency slightly better 4/10
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 6.5/10 just situational now
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 7.5/10 improving slowly but surely
Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 4/10, hangs okay sometimes, engorged, less curvature–same old
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[X ] Weight Gain Pretty much gone now after reducing estrogen, stomach flatter, less love handles
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage Still going but general shape of body still there 4/10
[x ] Muscle Weakness a little weaker on lifts, expect this to continue in downward spiral along with wastage 4/10
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles under eyes just noticed this 6/10
Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 5/10 same old
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness Got some floaters from clomid-further improvements 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature
[ ] Other (please explain
Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–same in severity but “presence” has improved, perhaps slightly less but hard to tell, things “cement” in my mind better than before, feel a bit more anchored to time and space
*Muscle Loss–smaller wrists, muscles squishier, softer chest, more excess skin, less mass around joints seems to be progressing at stable rate (still)–no change
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–improved slightly perhaps, or perhaps just excited for semester to be over, perhaps provigil has helped slightly?
*Fatigue–sometimes body literally feels so weak and can’t move, get tingly feeling, sometimes ‘decent’ energy (same old)
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP (same old)
*Shrinkage–looks full sometimes so not entirely concerned, more foreskin (same old)
*Sleep–Turns out I get no deep sleep (stage 3 and 4) after sleep study, this might be the cause of many of my probs
Improving Problems
*Libido–more improvements, extremely slow but noticeable, get the “pit in stomach” feeling when horny and looking to fuck
*Orgasm–at a 9/10, pretty pleasurable and have had some explosive ones recently, keeps on improving, could be a 10
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still improving or holding stable, still 70-80% erections when aroused–very workable, mornings for >half of each week, pushdowns during morning piss occasionally, spontaneous seems to have improved slightly, perhaps 2-3 a day
*Anxiety–Pretty much gone, feelings of discomfort occasionally, but definitely not anxiety
*Depression–Pretty much situational now, although definite sadness probably from messed up neurotransmitters, crying has reduced to maybe once every two weeks
*Overall outlook on life and sense of well-being–It’s improving, perhaps from acceptance of my situation, strengthening of mental fortitude, stresses in life decreasing (end of semester and beginning of holiday season), etc
*Weight gain–central gain in abdomen pretty much close to gone after reducing estrogen
Current Regimen
*Clomid 25mg EOD and Aromasin 25mg ED
*T3 5mg x2 ED
*Cialis 5mg Every 3 days (getting lazy with this and don’t see much of a difference, guess it can be seen as a good thing)
*Modafinil 100mg ED
*Maca occasionally
*Gabapentin 300mg EN for sleep
Future Plans
*Continue taking clomid, aromasin, t3, and modafinil
*Resting over winter break
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living
*Securing Xyrem for deep sleep
Discoveries
*Sleep study revealed no stage 3 or 4 sleep, something I’ve suspected from the beginning
*Estrogen being too high led to weight gain
*Actually enjoyed myself during Thanksgiving break and realized I can still enjoy life (to some extent)
*OCD is coming back
*“Presence” has improved
*Capable of love and lust
*Cialis seems to just let blood flow better to my penis, nothing more
Executive Summary
Alrighty. Here we are again, five months (day-wise) off propecia. I’ve made quite a few discoveries, and I’ve got quite a lot to say. First off, in terms of overall outlook on life–I’ve improved. Too often I feel like a sense of hope is absent from this forum. I am in no way better; however, I am starting to enjoy life/look forward to it again. I have less times where I obsess over the idea that my life is over, and despite sounding stupid, recovery could ALWAYS be right around the corner. I’ve realized that (as cliche as it sounds) I’ll never get these days back, so I should live my life to the best of my abilities, just like anyone else would regardless of their situation. Perhaps my mental fortitude has gotten stronger, perhaps my brain chemistry (I wholeheartedly believe a main culprit of my mental probs) has somewhat stabilized, perhaps time has healed my wounds a little bit as I get used to PFS, or perhaps acceptance of my situation as something I cannot control have led to my improvements in overall outlook. I think the most likely answer to this is a combination of all of the above. I also think hope of one day things improving/recovery is a driving force in not only my survival but overall sense of well-being. When I first quit, suicide seemed inevitable; now it seems like less of an option each day. Perhaps this will change, and I will slump back into depression when I’m 5 years out with no improvements, but the little improvements I have seen have been enough to keep me going and to prove to me that this may not be permanent. Every day is getting a little bit easier, although EXTREMELY slowly.
With that manifesto out of the way, let’s get to the meat of whats been going on with me. I went home from college for Thanksgiving break and actually had a phenomenal time with friends and family, doing things I enjoyed. I started modafinil to help with the brain fog, and it PERHAPS works a little bit. However, it was not the wonder drug I was looking for/thought it would be. I will continue to take it for that slight boost it gives me.
I actually started dating a girl I really care about back home, and this has helped my situation tremendously. It’s also a detriment in that I can’t be the guy I know I could be for her because of PFS, but her support and comfort helps heaps. I’m also able to get quite horny when thinking about her (and of course being with her), and I’ve performed quite well with her as well.
Libido continues to slowly improve. Erections either are very slowly improving or have stabilized. Orgasm is great–sperm quality, etc could use some work. Spontaneous erections are still infrequent but I think definitely happen. Fatigue is about the same, with little bursts of energy (kind of only noticeable after the fact, like “wow I just did that”) every now and then. Brain fog is the same although overall “presence” has improved, I’m not as frightened by the fog, “depersonalization” is a little bit less, and things/events seem to “cement” in my mind a bit better; I feel more anchored. Muscle wastage continues, although I may have found the culprit to that. Shrinkage still there, not really a pressing issue. Lack of motivation and apathy seem to have slightly improved, probably because of reasons stated in the first paragraph above.
I’m still pursuing my rigorous finance degree, and I seem to be holding on pretty well, albeit much worse than if I didn’t have PFS. Still, I manage to get a lot accomplished each day, and this brings me great happiness and a sense of productivity and success. One of the best things that has happened to me recently (I can’t believe I’m saying this–never thought it’d be something I’m happy for) has been the return of my OCD.. This has been a phenomenal step in the right direction, in my opinion, as the recovery of my OCD means the “old me” is still in there somewhere, and that my mind hasn’t been too screwed up in neurosteroids for my own personality to be able to come back. Additionally, the OCD gives me a bit of that “alpha” edge that I used to have, so it’s nice for once to be constantly checking things and making plans and to-do lists. I’d like to stress that this OCD has been very “real” compared to the “forced” OCD I had in the beginning months off the drug–was too brain fogged to deal with obsessions, I guess.
Now for the most interesting part in all of this. Something that I have suspected from the beginning. My sleep is horrible. I knew from the month of chronic insomnia that I initially had from PFS that something wasn’t right. I had a sleep study done finally a couple of days before Thanksgiving, and the results were what I suspected–I get no Slow-Wave-Sleep (Stage 3 and 4, deep sleep). This is the sleep that is most restorative to the body, where the brain resets and muscles/tissues repair, where the body gets pressure-washed of toxins and flooded with good hormones. This revelation could easily be the cause of many of my problems, including low libido, fatigue, muscle weakness, MUSCLE LOSS, brain fog, apathy, and depression. The only thing it doesn’t really explain is shrinkage, but this doesn’t worry me. I have been trying to secure Xyrem for about 2.5 weeks now, and I am far along in the process. It will be a struggle, however, to get my insurance to cover the drug (do a web search or PH search if you’re curious on the background of the drug and difficulty of securing it). I TRULY believe that sleep is one of the biggest culprits of all my problems–perhaps it isn’t the main cause of my PFS, but it’s definitely a primary symptom that may be causing secondary symptoms.
I’m hoping to see at least some alleviation in brain fog, fatigue, and muscle loss from Xyrem use–it appears that forum member ‘ithappens’ had phenomenal results with the drug. Additionally, the sexual benefits that the drug provides are quite exciting as well. Even if I don’t get any benefits from the drug, it would be nice to at least restore my sleep in order to put my body in a better position to potentially recover. Something to note is that I thought my sleep had returned to normal before getting the sleep study, as I dream and don’t wake up frequently during the night (however I never felt refreshed in the morning). I’m happy I got the study, however, as the results have actually been promising.
Anyway, that’s about it. Very slow improvements but looking forward to life with or without PFS anyway. I hope this Xyrem thing works out.
TL;DR for the Lazy
-Continued improvements, mainly sexually
-Modafinil has helped slightly
-Enjoying life more, looking forward to things, trying my best, got a girlfriend
-Chemical depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts are almost gone
-REAL OCD has come back
-Sleep is garbage–no SWS, trying to secure Xyrem
-Staying strong above all else and looking forward to a bright future
and keep on fighting.