New Member, 1 week on, Still Early


#21

It’s hard to put to words what brain fog is for each individual person. I’m not able to describe it.

To clarify:
I was aware at the time I had some sort of problem, but my mental process was so out of sync it didn’t register, so I never put the link brain fog with the drug use (this sounds extremely bizarre and frightening now, but it didn’t back then)

I could only really tell I had some sort of problem with my brain when I started noticing improvements (memory, speech, focus)
In other words I was not aware of any brain fog because of the brain fog at the time I was posting here, hope this makes some sense.


#22

That’s understandable. Good to see you made some improvements.


#23

About 1 week into clomid. No improvements. Really hoping this isn’t androgen insensitivity…

Feel like brain fog might be much more than brain fog… almost like a decrease in consciousness, I’m here but I’m not… Hard to remember the actual physicality of doing things–I did them and I remember I did, but it’s almost in a surreal way. Perhaps depression plays a large role in this.

Definitely neurotransmitters are fucked up though.


#24

Two weeks into clomid. Still no change. Lots of muscle wastage, still fogged, very fatigued, no libido, ed, the usual.

Improvements in anxiety and depression over the last week, however. Almost feel relaxed and comfortable at times–something that hasn’t happened since the start of all of this. (Sept 28th-Oct 5th).

Hoping this is a new baseline. Looking at 1-2yr mark for recordable improvements. Definitely in it for the long haul.


#25

12 Weeks off Propecia: 85th day off drug
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 2/10
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 5/10
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 3/10
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate Improved somewhat, also got “power shot” back, doesn’t ooze out anymore 7/10
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat Better, starting to enjoy things a bit more 6/10
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating ***BRAIN FOG!!! Still the same 5/10
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness Still garbage but probably better than before 6/10
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought Not too bad, 7/10
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency Very shitty, 3/10
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy much improved as I accept my state and chemical depression lifts 6/10
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts also much improved as I hold out hope 6/10

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 4/10, sometimes normal-ish
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[ ] Weight Gain NO MORE, LOSING NOW
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage still sucks but hitting old lifts 4/10
[x ] Muscle Weakness still sucks but a little more pumped in gym, 4/10
[ ] Joint Pain
[ ] Dry / Dark Circles under eyes

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion Still slightly better 5/10
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness Got some floaters from clomid 7/10
[x ] Increased hair loss still slowed down
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order Severity
Brain Fog–the same
Muscle Loss–smaller wrists, muscles squishier, softer chest, more excess skin, seems to be progressing at stable rate
Apathy and Lack of Motivation
Fatigue–sometimes body literally feels so weak and can’t move
Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP
ED–shitty half-assed erections
Loss of Libido–there but nothing I really want to worry about right now

Improving Problems
Anxiety–almost all but gone, remnants left
Depression–chemically induced seems gone, mainly just situational depression now
Sleep–getting there, don’t really feel rested though

Current Regimen
Clomid and Aromasin
Creatine, Beta Alanine, Taurine for preworkout

Future Plans
Keep killing it in gym despite atrophy
Cialis 5mg and B12 injections in the mail
Sleep Study
Possible Provigil

That’s all for now. Happy I’m not waking up ready to kill myself every day.


#26

Apathy and Lack of Motivation
Fatigue–sometimes body literally feels so weak and can’t move
Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP
ED–shitty half-assed erections
Loss of Libido–there but nothing I really want to worry about right now

I have exactly the same feelings lol. Weight felt heavier at the beginning (± 1 yr after propecia), then i got joint pain + extreme fatigue (worsening in time until year 3). So i couldnt Go To gym anymore. Now I am stable (completed 4 years off this month). There are usually 1 or 2 days every month that the fatigue disappears. Good sign i guess. Looking foward getting better to be able To workout and speed up my recovery.


#27

16 Weeks off Propecia: 112th day off drug
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

Before we begin, let me just say I’ve been so excited to update my status. This is like the highlight to my month.

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 3/10 VERY slightly improved
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 Good, solid improvements that can’t be ignored
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 4/10
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate “Power Shot” is there, consistency, whiteness, thickness, and quantity improved 8/10
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10 Still trying my best to do the things I enjoy
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating ***BRAIN FOG!!! Still the same AND DEBILITATING! 5/10
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness Not horrible but definitely not what I once was 6/10
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought Happens, but can usually save myself in most situations 7/10
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency Still horrible 3/10
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 6/10
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 6/10

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 4/10, hangs okay sometimes, engorged, less curvature
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[X ] Weight Gain Assuming from clomid use and rise of estrogen
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage getting to the “AIDS wasting” stage 4/10
[x ] Muscle Weakness a little weaker on lifts, expect this to continue in downward spiral along with wastage 4/10
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking
[ ] Dry / Dark Circles under eyes

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 5/10
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness Got some floaters from clomid-getting better 7/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Still slow and no change in overall hair quantity, thyroid issue?
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order Severity
*Brain Fog–the same, learning to function better, not as scared of it as before, feel connected to the world sometimes
*Muscle Loss–smaller wrists, muscles squishier, softer chest, more excess skin, less mass around joints seems to be progressing at stable rate (still)
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–starting to take its toll, hoping provigil or balanced hormones will help, don’t wanna do anything
*Fatigue–sometimes body literally feels so weak and can’t move, get tingly feeling, sometimes ‘decent’ energy (same old)
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP (same old)
*Shrinkage–looks full sometimes so not entirely concerned, more foreskin, the usual
*Fat Gain–might be because of clomid, could be because of PFS. We’ll see :frowning:

Improving Problems
*Libido–little improvements here and there, have some desire when talking/looking at girls, want to fuck things (SOMETIMES)
*Orgasm–at a 9/10, pretty pleasurable and have had some explosive ones recently
*Erectile Dysfunction–This has been the biggest improvement, I think. At least 70-80% pretty much all times now–very workable, mornings for >half of each week, pushdowns during morning piss, spontaneous when moving around or adjusting pants
*Anxiety–almost all but gone, remnants left
*Depression–Situationally continues, sometimes gets depressing how dark the situation seems, less crying-once a week (lol)
*Sleep–Don’t feel rested, but better than first crash, can sleep through night, frequent dreams

Current Regimen
*Clomid 25mg EOD and Aromasin 25mg ED
*T3 5mg x2 ED
*5mg Medrol ED
*Cialis 5mg Every 3 days

Future Plans
*L-Citrulline for ED and blood flow
*Maca and Tongkat Ali for sex drive and whatever voodoo benefits these supps provide
*Sleep Study scheduled for Thanksgiving
*Provigil for fog
*Watchful waiting for hormones to normalize, T3 to kick in
*Waiting on ACTH, Cortisol, and Glucose results
*Hiatus from exercising (perhaps)
*Resting over break

Notes
Damn, it’s been four months (day-wise) that I’ve been dealing with this shit. Pursuing a rigorous in finance definitely isn’t easy with this goddamn brain fog. Sexually there have been some good improvements, physically getting worse, mentally the same. I’m hoping that eventually when my body sorts itself out that the physical and mental problems will relieve themselves. I’m hopeful for the future, and I believe that time will heal at least some wounds in some respect. I’m grateful for everyone on this site that has helped me out and responded/reached out to me. I’m looking forward to the holidays, and for once since all of this I can look forward to other things, despite my life quality still being around a 3-4/10.

Medication-wise, I started T3 due to high RT3 and mid level Free T3. Hopefully I will see some energy/my body will work better from that. Not sure if 5mg Cialis E3D has helped but will continue to take. Test and Estrogen levels rocketed skyhigh on clomid, aromasin not strong enough to contain, taking down clomid level to 25mg EOD. Looking for Provigil for some sort of boost to energy, mental clarity, brain fog, and motivation.

Starting to accept that my body will look the way (physically) it’s going towards for probably a while before it starts recovering, but will tough it out and always remember that all of this could go away one day. It’s definitely becoming clear to me that this is a MARATHON and not a SPRINT. This was hard for me to realize at first but is becoming more and more evident each day.

OCD pops its head up every now and then; the other day I actually got bothered by not “finishing a thought”/getting distracted by others, so that’s good. This shows that my true personality is somehow still intact, and my brain chemistry isn’t fucked up TOO bad, despite feeling that way.

This whole situation has been the most humbling experience I’ve ever been through. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed as a person since this all happened. It’s hard at 19, being the youngest on the forum, but if I give up now I will never know what could have been.

That’s all for now!

PS: Hair still looks good (although Propecia ruined the texture of my hair)


#28

^ lel


#29

jk buddy… way to be strong :smiley: and keep on fighting.


#30

Minor Update

Took my first modafinil pill today, no results thus far, might need to up the dose.

Went for sleep study last night, results are in, and confirmed I have basically no stage 3, 4, or REM sleep.
Also I have a bit of sleep apnea.

So it appears now that Xyrem has been opened as an option for me, and I’m also getting a CPAP free of charge! (lol)

Anyway that’s about it. Muscle wastage, no libido, fatigue, and debilitating brain fog continue…


#31

20 Weeks off Propecia: 140th day off drug
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

So happy to provide a new update! This is always the highlight of my month! Hang on tight, cuz I’ve got a lot to say.

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 4/10 slowly improving
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 Good, solid improvements that can’t be ignored, still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 4/10 Can’t deny that I get some now. Although weak, they’re there
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate could be better 7/10
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10 Enjoying things slowly but surely, looking forward to things
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! Still the same AND DEBILITATING!, “presence” has improved
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness Not horrible but definitely not what I once was 6/10
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought Happens but only a little more than the average person 7/10
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency slightly better 4/10
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 6.5/10 just situational now
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 7.5/10 improving slowly but surely

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 4/10, hangs okay sometimes, engorged, less curvature–same old
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[X ] Weight Gain Pretty much gone now after reducing estrogen, stomach flatter, less love handles
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage Still going but general shape of body still there 4/10
[x ] Muscle Weakness a little weaker on lifts, expect this to continue in downward spiral along with wastage 4/10
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles under eyes just noticed this 6/10

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 5/10 same old
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness Got some floaters from clomid-further improvements 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–same in severity but “presence” has improved, perhaps slightly less but hard to tell, things “cement” in my mind better than before, feel a bit more anchored to time and space
*Muscle Loss–smaller wrists, muscles squishier, softer chest, more excess skin, less mass around joints seems to be progressing at stable rate (still)–no change
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–improved slightly perhaps, or perhaps just excited for semester to be over, perhaps provigil has helped slightly?
*Fatigue–sometimes body literally feels so weak and can’t move, get tingly feeling, sometimes ‘decent’ energy (same old)
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP (same old)
*Shrinkage–looks full sometimes so not entirely concerned, more foreskin (same old)
*Sleep–Turns out I get no deep sleep (stage 3 and 4) after sleep study, this might be the cause of many of my probs

Improving Problems
*Libido–more improvements, extremely slow but noticeable, get the “pit in stomach” feeling when horny and looking to fuck
*Orgasm–at a 9/10, pretty pleasurable and have had some explosive ones recently, keeps on improving, could be a 10
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still improving or holding stable, still 70-80% erections when aroused–very workable, mornings for >half of each week, pushdowns during morning piss occasionally, spontaneous seems to have improved slightly, perhaps 2-3 a day
*Anxiety–Pretty much gone, feelings of discomfort occasionally, but definitely not anxiety
*Depression–Pretty much situational now, although definite sadness probably from messed up neurotransmitters, crying has reduced to maybe once every two weeks
*Overall outlook on life and sense of well-being–It’s improving, perhaps from acceptance of my situation, strengthening of mental fortitude, stresses in life decreasing (end of semester and beginning of holiday season), etc
*Weight gain–central gain in abdomen pretty much close to gone after reducing estrogen

Current Regimen
*Clomid 25mg EOD and Aromasin 25mg ED
*T3 5mg x2 ED
*Cialis 5mg Every 3 days (getting lazy with this and don’t see much of a difference, guess it can be seen as a good thing)
*Modafinil 100mg ED
*Maca occasionally
*Gabapentin 300mg EN for sleep

Future Plans
*Continue taking clomid, aromasin, t3, and modafinil
*Resting over winter break
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living
*Securing Xyrem for deep sleep

Discoveries
*Sleep study revealed no stage 3 or 4 sleep, something I’ve suspected from the beginning
*Estrogen being too high led to weight gain
*Actually enjoyed myself during Thanksgiving break and realized I can still enjoy life (to some extent)
*OCD is coming back
*“Presence” has improved
*Capable of love and lust
*Cialis seems to just let blood flow better to my penis, nothing more

Executive Summary
Alrighty. Here we are again, five months (day-wise) off propecia. I’ve made quite a few discoveries, and I’ve got quite a lot to say. First off, in terms of overall outlook on life–I’ve improved. Too often I feel like a sense of hope is absent from this forum. I am in no way better; however, I am starting to enjoy life/look forward to it again. I have less times where I obsess over the idea that my life is over, and despite sounding stupid, recovery could ALWAYS be right around the corner. I’ve realized that (as cliche as it sounds) I’ll never get these days back, so I should live my life to the best of my abilities, just like anyone else would regardless of their situation. Perhaps my mental fortitude has gotten stronger, perhaps my brain chemistry (I wholeheartedly believe a main culprit of my mental probs) has somewhat stabilized, perhaps time has healed my wounds a little bit as I get used to PFS, or perhaps acceptance of my situation as something I cannot control have led to my improvements in overall outlook. I think the most likely answer to this is a combination of all of the above. I also think hope of one day things improving/recovery is a driving force in not only my survival but overall sense of well-being. When I first quit, suicide seemed inevitable; now it seems like less of an option each day. Perhaps this will change, and I will slump back into depression when I’m 5 years out with no improvements, but the little improvements I have seen have been enough to keep me going and to prove to me that this may not be permanent. Every day is getting a little bit easier, although EXTREMELY slowly.

With that manifesto out of the way, let’s get to the meat of whats been going on with me. I went home from college for Thanksgiving break and actually had a phenomenal time with friends and family, doing things I enjoyed. I started modafinil to help with the brain fog, and it PERHAPS works a little bit. However, it was not the wonder drug I was looking for/thought it would be. I will continue to take it for that slight boost it gives me.

I actually started dating a girl I really care about back home, and this has helped my situation tremendously. It’s also a detriment in that I can’t be the guy I know I could be for her because of PFS, but her support and comfort helps heaps. I’m also able to get quite horny when thinking about her (and of course being with her), and I’ve performed quite well with her as well.

Libido continues to slowly improve. Erections either are very slowly improving or have stabilized. Orgasm is great–sperm quality, etc could use some work. Spontaneous erections are still infrequent but I think definitely happen. Fatigue is about the same, with little bursts of energy (kind of only noticeable after the fact, like “wow I just did that”) every now and then. Brain fog is the same although overall “presence” has improved, I’m not as frightened by the fog, “depersonalization” is a little bit less, and things/events seem to “cement” in my mind a bit better; I feel more anchored. Muscle wastage continues, although I may have found the culprit to that. Shrinkage still there, not really a pressing issue. Lack of motivation and apathy seem to have slightly improved, probably because of reasons stated in the first paragraph above.

I’m still pursuing my rigorous finance degree, and I seem to be holding on pretty well, albeit much worse than if I didn’t have PFS. Still, I manage to get a lot accomplished each day, and this brings me great happiness and a sense of productivity and success. One of the best things that has happened to me recently (I can’t believe I’m saying this–never thought it’d be something I’m happy for) has been the return of my OCD.. This has been a phenomenal step in the right direction, in my opinion, as the recovery of my OCD means the “old me” is still in there somewhere, and that my mind hasn’t been too screwed up in neurosteroids for my own personality to be able to come back. Additionally, the OCD gives me a bit of that “alpha” edge that I used to have, so it’s nice for once to be constantly checking things and making plans and to-do lists. I’d like to stress that this OCD has been very “real” compared to the “forced” OCD I had in the beginning months off the drug–was too brain fogged to deal with obsessions, I guess.

Now for the most interesting part in all of this. Something that I have suspected from the beginning. My sleep is horrible. I knew from the month of chronic insomnia that I initially had from PFS that something wasn’t right. I had a sleep study done finally a couple of days before Thanksgiving, and the results were what I suspected–I get no Slow-Wave-Sleep (Stage 3 and 4, deep sleep). This is the sleep that is most restorative to the body, where the brain resets and muscles/tissues repair, where the body gets pressure-washed of toxins and flooded with good hormones. This revelation could easily be the cause of many of my problems, including low libido, fatigue, muscle weakness, MUSCLE LOSS, brain fog, apathy, and depression. The only thing it doesn’t really explain is shrinkage, but this doesn’t worry me. I have been trying to secure Xyrem for about 2.5 weeks now, and I am far along in the process. It will be a struggle, however, to get my insurance to cover the drug (do a web search or PH search if you’re curious on the background of the drug and difficulty of securing it). I TRULY believe that sleep is one of the biggest culprits of all my problems–perhaps it isn’t the main cause of my PFS, but it’s definitely a primary symptom that may be causing secondary symptoms.

I’m hoping to see at least some alleviation in brain fog, fatigue, and muscle loss from Xyrem use–it appears that forum member ‘ithappens’ had phenomenal results with the drug. Additionally, the sexual benefits that the drug provides are quite exciting as well. Even if I don’t get any benefits from the drug, it would be nice to at least restore my sleep in order to put my body in a better position to potentially recover. Something to note is that I thought my sleep had returned to normal before getting the sleep study, as I dream and don’t wake up frequently during the night (however I never felt refreshed in the morning). I’m happy I got the study, however, as the results have actually been promising.

Anyway, that’s about it. Very slow improvements but looking forward to life with or without PFS anyway. I hope this Xyrem thing works out.

TL;DR for the Lazy
-Continued improvements, mainly sexually
-Modafinil has helped slightly
-Enjoying life more, looking forward to things, trying my best, got a girlfriend
-Chemical depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts are almost gone
-REAL OCD has come back
-Sleep is garbage–no SWS, trying to secure Xyrem
-Staying strong above all else and looking forward to a bright future


#32

I now have Xyrem as prescribed by doctor. It took a lot of grinding that I will not go into detail on. I will continue to update.


#33

Please do, the main symptom I cannot erase is this unbearable brain damage caused by this drug, totally destroyed me


#34

Update with Xyrem
Not much to see so far, in comparison to the likes of “ithappens” and “paulwaters.” I feel that “ithappens” made the drug out to be kind of a miracle drug; however, he may have just really had a totally horrible sleep schedule to begin with. The drug definitely works, and it knocks me out quite easily and then forces me awake after four hours (drug’s mechanism of action) in order for me to take the second dose.

I’m still dreaming quite a bit, which I take as a sort of bad sign, because if I were truly in deep sleep, I wouldn’t really be dreaming as much. One of the issues with my sleep study was too much Stage 1 and 2 and REM sleep, and not enough Slow Wave Sleep.

I’ve just moved up to 3g x2 nightly, so that’s a relatively conservative dose; I’m still waiting to truly see the full potential of the drug when I titrate up more to the max of 4.5g x2. Apparently narcoleptics also take a little while to adjust to the drug and start seeing benefits, and in my case, bad sleep for nearly 6 months probably has led to a significant sleep debt that I still need to pay off before feeling better.

It seems that my insurance approved the drug for refills, so that’s phenomenal judging that the drug costs $6k a month.

I can say that after taking the 3g x2 nightly last night, my head was spinning (in a good way–like a drunk, happy, high feeling) as I laid in bed, texting friends, so I can definitely see why this drug is commonly abused by clubbers (and I wasn’t even on that high of a dose!). I also seem to be getting harder, bigger erections (although mine have been about 70-80% to begin with) but I’m not entirely sure if this is from the drug or not or placebo. Perhaps with time I will see a steady improvement in this area.

My goal now is to continue to titrate up slowly to be careful, and checking symptoms–mainly brain fog, fatigue, and muscle wastage (GH release from Xyrem and SWS can help tissue repair) to see how they progress. I will continue to update.


#35

Did it help at all with brainfog?

I’ve been taking Rx Genotropin(HGH) and it’s been helping with muscle loss and many more symptoms, but by taking it in the morning I’m losing my own pituitarys production of hgh at night. I think xyrem would be to much benefit for that.

Also I’ve taken baclofen (very similar to xyrem), and it made my brain fog worse after initially helping it, but xyrem works on the ghb receptor as well, and from what I hear is a lot smoother than baclofen


#36

24 Weeks off Propecia: 168th day off drug
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

And we’re back again! Eventually I will probably stop making monthly updates, but here we are, effectively 6 months day-wise off propecia!

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 2/10 Kind of stagnant lately, depression and all has been detrimental tbh
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 2/10 Was generous last month, really don’t see these too often, prob get 2 a day, manually
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate 7/10 still weird but not enough for concern, still could be better
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 5/10 downgraded because of slump I’ve been in last couple weeks
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! DEBILITATING! looking toward 2yr mark for improvements here
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness 6/10 Still hard to recall things, ties in with brain fog
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought 8/10 can actually argue and be quite articulate at times
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency 4/10 still low, but I know what I need to do
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 4/10 big decrease lately, as highlighted below
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 5/10 tied in with depression

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 4/10, hangs okay sometimes, engorged, less curvature–same old
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[ ] Weight Gain
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage 4/10 still going slowly but surely
[x ] Muscle Weakness 4/10 still hitting same lifts despite losing 30% of muscle
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles 7/10 improving and fading probably with xyrem use

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 5/10 no change, sometimes have energy when not depressed
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness Got some floaters from clomid-further improvements 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–no change here, expecting changes after a couple of years off the drug as evidenced by other members
*Muscle Loss–smaller wrists, muscles squishier, softer chest, more excess skin, less mass around joints seems to be progressing at stable rate, no change, down to 160lbs
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–no change really, still have underlying motivation to complete school and get a job and beat PFS, but motivation to do even little tasks is hard to find
*Fatigue–sometimes decent energy, feel completely weak when depressed, definite tie-in between these symptoms
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP, still hitting same lifts as when crashed
*Shrinkage–same old, not too concerning, annoying though
*Depression and Anxiety–setbacks in this area, but think will improve with Xyrem dosage changes

Improving Problems
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still improving or holding stable at 70-80%, leaning more towards 80%, decent morning erections for every day of last week, was over-generous with spontaneous rating, maybe get 2 a day that are manually-induced
*Sleep–getting deep sleep now with Xyrem
*Libido–setbacks in this area with depression, but still hovering above 0, at least with girlfriend

Recovered(?) Problems
*Central weight gain–clomid related, gone now
*Orgasm–didn’t really have too much decrease in pleasure to begin with, but safe to say 10/10

Current Regimen
*Clomid 25mg EOD and Aromasin 25mg ED
*T3 5mg x2 ED
*Cialis 5mg Every 3 days (getting lazy with this and don’t see much of a difference, guess it can be seen as a good thing)
*Xyrem (still trying to figure out dosing)

Future Plans
*Continue taking clomid, aromasin, t3
*Figure out Xyrem dosing
*Getting ready for semester abroad in Shanghai
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living, same as before
*Low dose Adderall for fog
*Perhaps Remeron for deep sleep
*Watchful waiting

Points of Interest
*Second sleep study showed 28% deep sleep due to Xyrem
*OCD still there, not as much when anxious, depressed, and fatigued
*Compared to last update, been a shitty downward spiral
*Xyrem without a doubt caused depression and anxiety
*Can perform well with girlfriend
*Down to 160lbs; despite 30% muscle wastage, still hitting old lifts from when crashed
*New blood tests show good testosterone and estradiol levels on current clomid/aromasin dosing schedule, rising DHT
*Last week yielded decent morning erections every day

Executive Summary
Well here I am about a half a year off propecia. Still hard to believe a week of this drug could do this to me. There wasn’t much update or changes since my last update until the past few weeks. I secured Xyrem and began taking it December 23rd. The drug definitely worked and knocked me out in a way that I could tangibly feel, and I’ve been titrating up over the weeks. Unfortunately, there have been no symptomatic improvements in PFS with Xyrem (was hoping for some in brain fog, or muscle wastage–it may have helped slightly with fatigue), and the drug also comes with a whole other host of side effects.

Without a doubt, the drug caused depression and anxiety, similar to post crash, which had already improved for me after a couple of months off propecia. I went for a sleep study to see if the drug was even working at all for deep sleep and it boosted it to 28%–not a bad result. Unfortunately, I don’t like dealing with the depression and anxiety that comes with the drug, or with the fact that it does nothing for my PFS symptoms, so now I am trying to work out a dosing schedule that will give me the benefits of deep sleep without the side effects of depression and anxiety. I’m confident I can figure out how to curb those side effects, and if I can’t with a dosing schedule, I will drop the drug altogether and perhaps pursue a more benign drug that increases slow wave sleep like Remeron.

Other than the Xyrem fiasco, not much has changed in my situation. Sexually, I would rank myself better than most here, maybe at a conservative 60% overall in that department, factoring in all things included–libido, shrinkage, ED, spontaneous, semen quality, etc. I’m able to please my girlfriend, and she’s able to please me, so I’m not too concerned there. Brain fog, lack of motivation, and muscle wastage are all still main problems that bother me. Fatigue is bothersome, but I can push through it a lot of the time; I definitely don’t feel like I’m 19 years old, though.

I was really hoping that this time since my last update would have been better, judging that I am back home from college on my break and spending time with my girlfriend and family, but it hasn’t yielded many improvements. I do believe the Xyrem plays a large role in the sort of “downward spiral” I have encountered, particularly over the past week, and I hope that with working it out, I’ll go back to the place I was at in the last update I made.

I may pursue low-dose adderall to assist with the fog, but in the end, I’m finding that time will probably be the best healer of all. I just hope I have enough strength and perseverance to stick through all of this.


#37

I would be careful using all these drugs as you know, “safe” drugs gut us into this mess. I did a “safe” xray and have new problems since then.


#38

28 Weeks off Propecia: 196th day off drug (posting a little late)
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

A little late with the posting of 7 month update because of being busy traveling China.

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 2/10 Same old
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 3/10 Sometimes comes, better in mornings, still easy to get with stimulation
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate 7/10 Same old
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10 A little improved as I enjoy China and things have gotten easier
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! DEBILITATING! looking toward 2yr mark for improvements here
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness 7/10 A bit better, not entirely noticeable and things come to mind relatively quickly
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought 8/10 Seem pretty coherent at most times and functional
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency 5/10 Slight improvements, hardworking at times
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 7/10 much improved from last month
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 7/10 much improved from last month

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 5/10 upgrading because more or less “normal” about half of the time
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[ ] Weight Gain
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage 4/10 still going slowly but surely, same old
[x ] Muscle Weakness 4/10 still hitting same lifts despite losing 30% of muscle, same old
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles 7/10 improves with rest

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 6/10 Want to say better than I originally thought, decent energy at times if I don’t overthink it
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness just floaters from clomid use 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–no change here, expecting changes after a couple of years off the drug as evidenced by other members
*Muscle Loss–still losing, under 160lbs now, general body shape still there
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–slight improvements, actually have a bit of motivation to go out and spend time with people/friends, go to bars, work hard in school; of course, a lot still lacking
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily–less ATP, still hitting same lifts as when crashed
*Shrinkage–want to say it’s more normal about 50% of the time, so perhaps slight improvements

Improving(ed) Problems
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still improving or holding stable at 70-80%, leaning more towards 80%, morning erections for at least half of each week, have a few very strong 90-95% erections every so often
*Sleep–not sure if better but feel more rested without xyrem nowadays
*Libido–pretty stagnant lately, sucks being away from girlfriend
*Depression and Anxiety–back to levels of two months ago, before Xyrem usage
*Fatigue–decent energy at times, would rank overall energy that of a 35 year old compared to 60 year old (when I crashed), able to climb/travel around the Great Wall and other Chinese sites fairly quickly with little difficulty, still get winded much easily though

Recovered(?) Problems
*Central weight gain–clomid related, gone now
*Orgasm–didn’t really have too much decrease in pleasure to begin with, but safe to say 10/10

Current Regimen
*Cialis 5mg every now and then
*Xyrem (as needed–very infrequently)
*Adderall (as needed)

Future Plans
*Working hard this semester in Shanghai
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living, same as before
*Blood tests when I get home in the summer time
*Watchful waiting

Points of Interest
*Stopped taking Xyrem due to depression and anxiety side effects
*Got off clomid, aromasin, T3 hoping to see levels hold, no change in symptoms (worsening or improvements) since quitting
*Taking low dose Adderall for fog
*OCD strong lately, very similar(if not the same) to in the past before PFS
*Compared to last update, much better
*Some extremely solid erections the past few weeks
*Under 160lbs; still hitting old lifts
*About >half a week erections every week

Executive Summary
This past month has been MUCH better since my last update–especially the past couple of weeks. Quality of life is still the same, and symptoms are still the same, but anxiety and depression have improved since the last time I posted. I’m fairly certain that Xyrem was causing a lot of my problems, so I got off it a few weeks ago. I also got off clomid, aromasin, and t3 because of unwanted side effects and no change in PFS symptoms. I’ve started using low dose adderall on an as needed basis which seems to help a bit with motivation and productivity. I’ve been in Shanghai for a few weeks now as well, and I’m actually having and okay time–going out with friends and trying to enjoy school and life after having a rough past semester. I’ve been able to get buzzed/slightly drunk from drinking, and I can have a good time doing this.

My parents came to visit this past week, and we traveled around China seeing the sites. Doing a lot of walking and climbing, I actually did much better than I expected I would, and I was much faster and more energetic than my parents (who are in their 50s), so it was nice to see that my fatigue/energy level is better than that of a 50 year old–more of a 35 year old, I believe.

Symptoms are still about the same–muscle wastage is quite bad, I’m down to under 160lbs; brain fog is still constant and relentless, although I feel somewhat connected at times and am much better (or perhaps perceive being better) at comprehending/holding conversations and remembering things; sexual problems are still the least of my concerns, but shrinkage seems there about 50% of the time, erection quality is still holding steady at around 80% with a few 90% every now and then, spontaneous are infrequent, mornings are about 50% of each week, semen quality and quantity is okay. My spatial and long-term memory is actually pretty good, although they always have been pre-pfs, and they’re both better than some of my friends’ despite them not having PFS. Depression and anxiety have gotten back to where they were before Xyrem use, although anxiety can be quite uncomfortable at times, especially with caffeine use.

My OCD has been quite brutal the past few weeks actually, which is a good sign that my personality is intact and my neurochemistry didn’t get as destroyed as I thought it did. It’s also a bad sign because my OCD sucks, but oh well. It is very similar/the same as the OCD I had pre-pfs, so that is reassuring. I’m starting to get anxious/meticulous about little things again, which is indicative of my original Type-A personality. Hopefully this will continue without becoming too crippling.

Anyway, that’s about it. I plan to continue watchful waiting and enjoy my time studying here in China.


#39

32 Weeks off Propecia: 224th day off drug (posting a little late)
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

Once again a little late with the 8 month update, but not much has changed.

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 2/10 Same old
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 3/10 Sometimes comes, better in mornings, still easy to get with stimulation
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate 7/10 Same old
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! DEBILITATING! looking toward 2yr mark for improvements here
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness 7/10 Recall is weirdly messed up, but I don’t seem to forget much of anything
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought 8/10 Seem pretty coherent at most times and functional, still strong
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency 5/10 Still holding strong from before
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 6/10 Still holding strong from a chemical standpoint, worse situationally this month
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 7/10 Haven’t had much of any, just depression

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 5/10 still normal sometimes
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[ ] Weight Gain
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage 4/10 still going slowly but surely, same old
[x ] Muscle Weakness 4/10 still hitting same lifts despite losing 30% of muscle, same old
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking, not really any pain
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles 7/10 improves with rest, might be from minoxidil

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 6/10 Still doing okay, could actually be higher than 6 but definitely not prepfs
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness just floaters from clomid use 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–seems like no changes, unnoticeable at times and not hindering my functionality too much
*Muscle Loss–still losing, probably around 156lbs now, much less lean, much less definition despite regular lifting
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–been trying to enjoy life and go out with friends, watch tv, feel somewhat motivated about school/internships
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily, lifts perhaps might be starting to go down :frowning:
*Shrinkage–hangs normally about 50% of the time

Improving(ed) Problems
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still holding stable at 70-80%, leaning more towards 80%, have a few very strong 90-95% erections every so often
*Sleep–holding same, not sure if I’m actually getting deep sleep
*Libido–still stagnant and low, able to get excited quickly though if situation provides
*Depression and Anxiety–slightly there, mainly from situation
*Fatigue–still decent, don’t feel as wrecked all the time and have much less “fatigue spells”

Recovered(?) Problems
*Central weight gain–clomid related, gone now
*Orgasm–didn’t really have too much decrease in pleasure to begin with, but safe to say 10/10

Current Regimen
*Cialis 5mg every now and then (very infrequently)
*Xyrem (as needed–very infrequently)
*Adderall (as needed–very infrequently)
*Modafinil (as needed–very infrequently)

Future Plans (pretty much same as last post)
*Working hard this semester in Shanghai
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living, same as before
*Blood tests when I get home in the summer time
*Watchful waiting
*Possible Wellbutrin when returning home

Points of Interest
*OCD guaranteed
*Pretty much drug free now
*Modafinil and Adderall help slightly with motivation and energy, can definitely feel
*Compared to last update, same old
*Although I hardly have libido, I do very infrequently have spontaneous sexual thoughts
*Going out to the bar and club with friends, traveling Shanghai, and eating are all quite enjoyable
*156lbs, it seems like starting to lose strength
*Keeping up with school, social life and other challenges

Executive Summary
This past month went by pretty fast. There’s not much to say since my last update, nothing has really changed (as can be seen by my rankings of symptoms, regimen, and future plans).

I can say that my OCD is now back for certain; it’s interesting that PFS knocked it pretty much completely out of my system for about 6 months post-crash. My depression has mainly been situational to my predicament, although I’m sure there are some effects of imbalanced neurosteroids (or hormones) that are causing some part of it. I still get slight anxiety (more of a slightly intense discomfort–not like the intense anxiety that made me want to crawl out of my own skin for a couple of months post-crash), but it passes eventually and doesn’t riddle my days. I always wonder if my coffee (and tea–I am in China after all) drinking has added to this because of my upped caffeine intake. I always tend to feel pretty shitty during the “crash” after 4 or 5 hours.

Modafinil and Adderall definitely have some effect on energy and motivation. I find that Modafinil works better and for a longer time, which makes sense based off how the drug works. Along with those two drugs, I also take Xyrem occasionally, and I haven’t taken Cialis in awhile.

I’ve found that I do get random spontaneous sexual thoughts that are unforced, albeit at a very reduced rate compared to pre-pfs. I also get some brain-penis connection during these thoughts and feel a “zing” and blood flow when they happen. I feel like this has probably been the case since the beginning, but it’s just something nice to realize.

Brain fog is still constant, although sometimes I honestly don’t notice it as much (if I’m not thinking about it). I’m quite functional in society, and while my life still sucks tremendously, at least I have that.

Anyway, I’m still trying to enjoy life, and I definitely can at times. I’m just trying to capitalize on the things that I like to do.


#40

36 Weeks off Propecia: 252nd day off drug (posting a little late)
Updating this for reference. 0 being horrible 10 being prefin

9 month update. Starting to hate doing these.

Sexual
[x ] Loss of Libido / Sex Drive 2-3/10 Up and down
[x ] Erectile Dysfunction 7.5/10 still holding strong
[ ] Complete Impotence
[ ] Loss of Morning Erections
[x ] Loss of Spontaneous Erections 3/10 Sometimes comes, better in mornings, still easy to get with stimulation
[ ] Loss of Nocturnal Erections
[ ] Watery Ejaculate
[x ] Reduced Ejaculate 7/10 Same old
[ ] Inability to Ejaculate / Orgasm
[ ] Reduced Sperm Count / Motility

Mental
[X] Emotional Blunting / Emotionally Flat 6/10
[X ] Difficulty Focusing / Concentrating 5/10 ***BRAIN FOG!!! DEBILITATING! looking toward 2yr mark for improvements here
[ ] Confusion
[x ] Memory Loss / Forgetfullness 7/10 Recall same
[x ] Stumbling over Words / Losing Train of Thought 8/10 Seem pretty coherent at most times and functional, still strong
[ ] Slurring of Speech
[X ] Lack of Motivation / Feeling Passive / Complacency 5/10 Still holding strong from before
[ ] Extreme Anxiety / Panic Attacks
[x ] Severe Depression / Melancholy 6-7/10 Still situational, trying my best
[x ] Suicidal Thoughts 7/10 Still situational, holding in there

Physical
[x ] Penile Tissue Changes (narrowing, shrinkage, wrinkled) 5/10 still normal sometimes, doesn’t seem to be shrinking anymore
[ ] Penis curvature / rotation on axis
[ ] Testicular Pain
[x ] Testicular Shrinkage / Loss of Fullness 7/10
[ ] Genital numbness / sensitivity decrease
[ ] Weight Gain
[ ] Gynecomastia (male breasts)
[X] Muscle Wastage 4/10 still going slowly but surely, same old
[x ] Muscle Weakness 4/10 still hitting same lifts despite losing 30% of muscle, same old
[X ] Joint Pain Occasionally with a lot of clicking, not really any pain
[X ] Dry / Dark Circles 7/10 improves with rest, seems to be caused by minoxidil

Misc
[ ] Prostate pain
[x] Persistent Fatigue / Exhaustion 6.5/10 Still doing okay, not prepfs but more energy than even some of my peers
[ ] Stomach Pains / Digestion Problems
[ ] Constipation / “Poo Pellets”
[x ] Vision - Acuity Decrease / Blurriness just floaters from clomid use 8/10
[x ] Increased hair loss Seems to be speeding up as mpb kicks in
[ ] Frequent urination
[ ] Lowered body temperature

[ ] Other (please explain

Main Problems in Order of Severity
*Brain Fog–still seems like no changes-perhaps slight, unnoticeable at times and still not hindering my functionality too much
*Muscle Loss–still losing, still around 156lbs, much less lean, much less definition despite regular lifting
*Apathy and Lack of Motivation–same old; still trying to go out and do things I enjoy
*Muscle Weakness–grip strength, weight feels heavier, get more tired easily, lifts perhaps might be starting to go down
*Shrinkage–hangs normally about 50% of the time

Improving(ed) Problems
*Erectile Dysfunction–Still holding stable at 70-80%, leaning more towards 80%, have a few very strong 90-95% erections every so often
*Sleep–holding same, not sure if I’m actually getting deep sleep, sometimes feel refreshed upon waking (esp after naps and deprivation for a long time), still wake up much easier especially multiple times towards morning (every hour or so for last 3 hours)
*Libido–still stagnant and low, able to get excited quickly though if situation provides
*Depression and Anxiety–situational, much harder to deal with exterior and internal stress
*Fatigue–still decent, don’t feel as wrecked all the time and have much less “fatigue spells,” energy of someone in their 30s

Recovered(?) Problems
*Central weight gain–clomid related, gone now
*Orgasm–didn’t really have too much decrease in pleasure to begin with, but safe to say 10/10

Current Regimen
*Cialis 5mg every now and then (very infrequently)
*Xyrem (as needed–very infrequently)
*Adderall (as needed–very infrequently)
*Modafinil (as needed–very infrequently)
Haven’t taken any of these in the last couple of months

Future Plans (pretty much same as last post-again)
*Finishing up strong this semester in Shanghai
*Above all, enjoying life to the best of my ability–going out and participating and living, same as before (again)
*Blood tests when I get home in the summer time
*Watchful waiting
*Possible Wellbutrin when returning home

Points of Interest
*Compared to last update, same for symptoms (again)
*Much harder to deal with internal (OCD) and external (workplace) stress
*Decent amount of sex dreams, wet dreams, nocturnals
*Developed throat tightness for a couple of weeks, seemed to go away (at least for now)
*Jacking off 3x/week on avg
*OCD still going strong
*Still drug free
*Skin not as dry
*Traveled China by myself quite easily despite PFS hinderances (good energy still)
*Still around 156lbs, it seems like starting to lose strength
*Surprisingly hit 235lbs on BP despite muscle/weight loss a couple of weeks ago
*Still trying to do the things I enjoy and keeping up with school, social life and other challenges

Executive Summary
Pretty much everything is the same symptom-wise since my last update. I’m guessing I’m not going to see many changes for awhile, and I expect the next few monthly updates to be similar to the last couple. “Points of Interest” above pretty much sums up everything of importance that has occurred or that I’ve noticed over the past month.

Just some thoughts(mainly already summarized in “points of interest”): I had my 20th birthday during the past month, where I actually had a good time. Traveling around China/doing well in school has proved to me that I am once again still very capable of functioning. I’m still having occasional sex dreams (maybe 1-2x a week) and a decent amount of nocturnals (that I know of), so at least testosterone (or wtvr mechanism) is still working in some capacity. I’m also up to jacking off around 3 times a week on average (although not for any real reason other than for the sake of doing it) vs maybe 1 time a week in the beginning months. I got some bad throat tightness for a couple of weeks that may be related to PFS (the skin/subcutaneous fat over my neck is one of the bodily changes that has occurred), but it also may have been caused by throat irritation due to bad pollution here in China–I hope it’s the second reason. I’ve also noticed during my time with PFS that my ability to deal with stress is much worse than pre-pfs.

Things mainly bothering me PFS-wise include the brain fog and feelings of disconnect and the muscle loss/bodily changes. As for sexual sides, I’m sure I can make do like I have been (although I really would like more libido). Fatigue doesn’t seem to be as bad as it was during the first few months off the drug. Depression, anxiety, and apathy are no doubt caused by some neurosteroid depletion but also my situation plays a large role in everything–I do my best to handle this. Above all, I’m still trying to enjoy my life and keep my head up.