Journal of a Wildman

Member Stories
#158

I wrote that a full year ago, and still have not posted a decent update. I will finally try, breaking it into manageable segments.

I wrote then that I was deep in a crash. The best I could figure was I had taken zinc for a month to ward off winter colds. Afterwards I read that zinc could cause problems, and boy howdy, it did to me! No zinc for me ever again.

Today, a quick catch-up on sex. A few months after the crash I actually started experiencing nocturnal erections! First time in years! This developed into rare daytime erections, as well.

I thought I was on the way to recovery, but overnight it all ceased. No hint of erections, day or night. No sexual dreams. All gone with the wind.

Possibly the worst part, my penis is shrinking. Last summer it was near normal’s 6 inches, now it is at barely 2". Hardly enough to hold onto to piss. And that my friend is depressing!

I have no idea what caused this genital crash. No new meds. No illness. Just gone, overnight. And that’s part one of my update. Jim

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#159

I do not post here as often as I should…but today I must.

Yesterday I made an attempt at humor on a fellow poster’s topic. No harm intended, but it was not appreciated. He called me on it, and I sincerely apologized. He says we’re good now, and I pray that is true. I’ve been miserable all day at the thought I caused distress to this good man. Again, I apologize to my friend.

This incident made me realize anew, how this insipid PFS can harm us in vastly different ways sometimes.

Some here lose weight uncontrollably, and others gain weight despite diets.

Some have brain fog, others stay sharp. Sometimes it comes and goes!

Some can take a vitamin like zinc and they crash, and others feel no effects.

Worst, some recover in several months (yay!) while others are tormented for decades! (I’m at 4+years now.)

Mostly I’m reminded that under it all, we are all hurting with no cure in sight. We need to support each other through this mess. Stay strong, brothers. Jim

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#160

Jim you are a good man, you always try to be a positive influence on here with your empathetic understanding and caring nature.

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#161

I was preparing for a new post here, and got a surprise shock!

I’ve thought this is my 4th anniversary of my PFS, and yes, I have now been on this forum for four years now. But…

Rereading my first post here, I see with shock that my PFS started in April 2019. FIVE years ago, not four. I lost a year in this battle!

This worries me anew, as I read here recently that a good number of us heal in their 4th year. Significance unknown, but something to look forward to. Now that’s a false hope for me.

Five years this month. Damn. Jim

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#162

Jesus. Did the missing year occur while you were at the lowest point of PFS, or was this something that occured to you without explanation?

#163

In retrospect, I must have in my blurred mind, associated my years of PFS with my time here. Never thought twice about it! Until…recently I reread my first post and realized I had PFS for a year before starting my member story.
The shock was like being an adult who just discovered he’s adopted!
My own fault, I guess! Thanks for asking…Jim

#164

I write this to give hope to those men in the same boat who have lost their sexual ability and wonder if it will ever come back…

SEXUAL RECOVERY AFTER 5 YEARS?

(This entry contains blunt talk of sexual conditions. Read no further if you’ll find this offensive.)

Five years ago I was a hypersexual male, enjoying sex several times a day whenever possible. My penis had a length of 7 in erect and about 5 in flaccid. It was also thicker than average.

I was prescribed finasteride in the form of Proscar for treatment of BPH. Within 3 months all my sexual function and activities ceased. I could not have an erection and had no interest in sex for the next three plus years. I cannot say if this was anhedonia or if my mind was protecting me by making me forget what sexual happiness I had.

One day about 2 years ago the blinders came off and I recalled what a sexually satisfied life I had before, and realized how much I had been missing. Shortly after that the unhappiness over my current condition grew until I became suicidal. It is simply by the luck of fate that I am here today but that is another story.

I also had many of the other symptoms of PFS, but this particular post centers on the sexual aspects. At about the four-year point I started to have nocturnally erections again and even occasional morning wood. I even managed to have sex with my wife again, and thought maybe life was returning to normal. And then I crashed.

For another year I could not get erections again. My penis had shrunk to barely two to three inches long in its soft state, and there was no erection to measure. In addition it was totally numb with no feeling whatsoever. There was a post on the Forum that indicated that some people had a recovery around the four-year mark and I thought I had almost had that …and it was gone.

Now I am a few months past the 5-year mark, and I am writing this to tell you that I am having the start of another potential recovery. My penis has recovered several inches of its length and instead of being numb it is now super sensitive. With proper stimulation (fellatio) I can achieve an erection that will last 5 to 10 minutes maximum, far short of my healthy days but much better than the last 5 years! The extremely sensitive head has made it difficult to last any longer.

I am not able to achieve erection on a frequent basis, only once or twice a week.The next day or two afterwards I feel like I am totally exhausted. But I have had strength enough to have intercourse twice in the last month. (I still have my failure days.) Also the firmness is not bone hard as it used to be, but is firm and stiff enough to do the job. Comparable to a stick of pepperoni or sausage I guess.

I do not know if this will be an ongoing recovery or if a crash is in my future again. I will update this journal as the weeks pass if there is an interest in that. I write this to give hope to those men in the same boat who have lost their sexual ability and wonder if it will ever come back. For those readers who have PFS but have managed to continue their sex life, you are experiencing a treasure that many of us have not.

FOOTNOTE:

My wife was my sexual companion for over 45 years, willing to try anything, anytime. When PFS robbed me of my sexuality and we had a four year period with no intercourse, she slowly lost interest. When I had my short-lived recovery she was there to try, but when I had my crash she said that it was “just as well” because she was no longer interested in sex. I was devastated. However, I would not give up my hope of regaining my sexuality. Now that I am experiencing a potential recovery, we have a long time lady friend who has volunteered to help me in my Rehabilitation with my wife’s blessings. (Lady friend is the best fellatrix I’ve known!) I cannot imagine what I would do otherwise. Jim

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#165

Friday I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. We discussed my hypothyroidism and my med dosages for that. We also discussed the TRT I have been taking for years.

She is a new doctor for me and I felt like she was getting frustrated with an inability to get the dosages right in what she thought would be an open/shut case.

I decided it was time to spring PFS on her. I told her about my use of Proscar 5 years ago, and the immediate side effects it had on my body. She knew about finasteride as a medicine but didn’t seem aware of what we call PFS.

I told her that research so far showed gene silencing and 5ar antagonists… and so much more I can’t explain. She knew a little about that but not much.
Afterwards I sent her a link from this site so that she could look into it, but honestly I don’t think she intends to. She could surprise me and do some research into it, (and at least she wasn’t like my GP who threw his hands up in the air in total lack of Interest.)

BTW this was only my second appointment with her and I had not mentioned PFS previously. I thought I would enter this into my record. Comments? Jim

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#167

I posted the following in the Favorite Music column, hoping to explain music’s importance to me.

I feel it is important to post it here, in my personal journal, as well. I want this in my personal record for future readers who may never read that music thread.

The mods have been kind in allowing me to use the musical conversation as a therapy for my PSA-tortured soul. I thank them, and remind you all that comments and contributions are welcome!

Now my true confession:

My mom was a music teacher. She instilled a love of music in all 4 of her children. She confessed once that growing up she had dreams of being a concert pianist, or an acclaimed singer. (This is a lady who grew up in depression years.) She added that as a teen, she would go to her room after supper, open her window and sing to the world.

My youngest sister has perfect pitch. Her instrument is her voice, and I have posted her music skills in the song column previously. She has performed in public as recently as 2023, and is also involved in theater acting/singing, including most recently a production of Cabaret.

My other sister was in high school band and sings well, but has been the black sheep who never pursued music.

My brother leans to stringed instruments. He plays 6 and 12 string guitar, acoustic and electric, as well as the banjo. Not a singer, though!

Myself? I played piano and organ, I liked the keyed music. I have dabbled in guitar with my brother’s urging, and even have a couple autoharps (think Carter family). I sang in the church choir and also in solo sets, pre-PFS.

PFS stole my love of music, for three years I had music anhedonia (my self-diagnosis.) I didn’t touch an instrument and did not turn my stereo on. I didn’t miss music and didn’t care. Slowly, the anhedonia lifted. I heard music again as a thing of beauty, not just noise.

I love music again but as a listener only. I cannot sing because I don’t have the wind to make it through even one verse, and cannot remember words. I can recall parts of verses of songs I’ve known for 60 years, but only bits and pieces. I do not play, my hands don’t cooperate.

That’s my story, why I started the music column. I’m praying for the day I can recall whole songs again, the day my fingers are capable of “tickling the ivories” again. Meanwhile, I’m there in the music room. Join me. Jim

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#168

Music has always been a huge part of my life too, never made any myself but I’m ok just being a listener. It took me many months to start enjoying music again. I can’t remember the month I started being consistently able to again but it was gradual. Now I enjoy a good 3-4 albums a day usually andd I like to listen to something new every day. I’ll just fire up last.fm, randomly pick a related artist to something I listened to recently, find a random album by them on soulseek, and that’s the music for the day. Makes every day feel a little different. I’ve learned to live with my memory loss, I can do daily life well but things like remembering and applying names to things/people, remembering what I did and when, and often a lot going on in my short term memory isn’t written to memory. I just let go, maybe one day I’ll find something that improves t but for now it is what it is.I’ll throw some music in the topic when I can.

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#169

I’ve mentioned that I’ve started on L-ARGININE. The brand I have recommends 3 capsules totalling 2.25 mg of it.

One benefit from it, and why I take it at bedtime, is this:

L-arginine affects sleep because it’s a nitric oxide precursor. When nitric oxide is released in the blood, it relaxes blood vessels. This helps to relax the endothelium cells and neural firing. Induced sleep is a positive side effect…

Of course, another benefit, even more important, is this:

…oral L-arginine might improve sexual function in men with erectile dysfunction due to a physical cause…it boosts nitric oxide levels in the body and improves blood flow…

Experiment:
Last night as I took my dosage, I added a Viagra to the mix. What could go wrong, right?

As I fell asleep, I had a semi-chubby. I awoke midway through the night with a full hardon. Jerk-off worthy…so I did. Drawback was a mess to clean up at 4 am.

I woke this morning with another erection, and had a quick but enjoyable wank. But, boohoo, another mess to clean up. I mention here my ejaculate was very thin, like it lacked any sperm?

Successful Experiment? Not quite. I have had a MASSIVE headache all morning, just now starting to fade after 4 hours. Was this caused by the dilation of blood vessels?

Those who know me are aware I have been rendered sexless by PFS for 5 years now. I started ALCAR about 6 weeks ago, and added ARGININE two weeks ago. After 5 years of avoiding all supplements waiting for a natural recovery, I’ve changed course. I am actively exploring exercises and supplements. I want my sex life back.

Comments? Jim

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#170

Hello all,
I need to update soon. But I want to ask you to remember our colleague @Taw in your prayers. Hurricane Milton is targeting his area in Florida, currently at Cat-5 strength.

Thanks, Jim

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#171

Hello all.

I’ve meant to update for a long time. There seems no reason, if there is no good news! Every time I think I’m in recovery, maybe have an erection even, there is another crash, another setback.

I have many days when I feel totally worthless, a waste of flesh and space. I retired after PFS hit and didn’t have energy enough to do the things I planned. I’ve wasted 4 years of life since then. Don’t pick up the guitar, no organ playing, haven’t even had my stereo on in years!

I call myself lazy and worthless. I wonder why I bother going on. I bottle this up and tell nobody.

I wrote that hoping not to add to anyone’s blue mood. It is just something I’ve wanted to share but timing was never right. Still may not be, but there it is.

PFS ruined my enjoyment of life, my sex life, my retirement plans, my health…and still they sell it to others. Merck sucks, along with agencies that turn a blind eye instead of doing the right thing. I’m so tired. No light at the end of the tunnel, not yet.

I visit this forum several times daily, like an addict, hoping for that post that announces important advances if not a cure. How stupid am I? At age 69, I’ll never see a cure unless I miraculously spontaneously recover.

Ok I’m done. Enough whine for today. Let me muddle through another day.
Jim

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#172

I used to play fiddle a lot…can’t even hold the damn instrument now my muscles are so weak and breathing is so labored…have not played in years and used to be in my hands daily.

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#173

Hi Jim,

Did you cycle ALCAR? (Acetyl L Carnitine).
Or were you taking it continuously/daily?

While I struggled with PFS for 3.5 years,
I have been cycling ALCAR and avoiding 5ari foods for the last 6 months, and have noticed major improvements.

I feel 95% recovered these days.

#174

I have taken 1000mg of ALCAR daily, no cycling, since I started. Frankly, I haven’t noticed any benefit from it and have considered discontinuing it.

Someone remind me what it is supposed to help with? Jim

#175

Hi Jim,

I am not an expert on hormonal supplements, but a user by the name of @Livid171 recovered after cycling ALCAR for 12 months.

He had PFS for 10 years, and had been taking ALCAR every day continuously for a while (not sure the exact amount I’ll have to go back and read his recovery post).

But he said once he heard about “cycling supplements” he tried that instead, and started to notice positive effects within months. By the time he was 6 months in, he felt very close to recovered.

I am now 6 months into cycling myself, and have started getting spontaneous erections again, full on hard erections (like they were before PFS), erections from thinking.
And nearly all other side effects have also faded, both mental and physical.
I almost feel completely recovered, and I feel better and better every day.

I would recommend giving cycling a go, as the others who have taken it Daily, it has had little to no effect on them.
The two people that have cycled it, both Livid and myself, have had great improvements/recoveries in their symptoms.

I would also recommend avoiding 5ari foods. That has had a big effects for myself to I believe. However @Livid171 did not do that, and he still recovered.
I would still recommend it though, as it stops side effects from constantly re-appearing daily, and having mini/major crashes.

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#176

Thanks for sharing. What do u eat if u don’t mind sharing that also

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#177

I have had some erections, never hard or long-lasting enough, you think ALCAR may have helped? On a few occasions with extra stimula (a BJ) I’ve almost felt “normal.” But then I feel rundown for a week.

Can you explain your cycling routine? I’ll certainly try that, and continue ALCAR, if it helps me like it did you. I need to have hope in something. Jim

#178

I have created a list of foods I eat, and don’t eat.
The list of foods I don’t eat are all 5ari’s.
However now that I am feeling more recovered day by day, I have started to introduce more 5ari foods into my diet with no side effects/crashes/symptoms appearing.

The two lists are below. Fully staying away from the 5ari’s really helped me in my recovery.

Foods that make me crash:

  • Soy
  • Green Apples
  • Tea
  • Coffee
  • Mushroom
  • Broccoli
  • Rosemary
  • Soybean Oil
  • Soy Sauce
  • Soy Milk
  • Pumpkin
  • Pumpkin seeds
  • Pumpkin seed oil
  • Protein bars
  • Peanut
  • Cashew
  • Walnut
  • Peanut butter
  • Sugar (except fruits)
  • Canola Oil
  • Turmeric
  • Fries
  • Ice Cream
  • Brown Rice
  • Beetroot
  • Basil
  • Cottonseed Oil

Foods that I can eat (not everything is here. There are a lot more):

  • Onion
  • Spinach
  • Cabbage
  • Kale
  • Celery
  • Almonds
  • Macadamia
  • Bacon
  • Ham
  • Cauliflower
  • Carrot
  • Cucumber
  • Capsicum
  • Chickpeas
  • Garlic
  • Ginger
  • Chilli
  • Oregano
  • Sweet Potato
  • Fried Calamari
  • Wedges
  • Sour Cream
  • Sweet potato fries
  • Tapioca Starch
  • Palm Oil
  • White Rice
  • Tomato
  • Butter
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