Journal of a Wildman

[Exsexgod]

Journal of a Wildman

@Taw You make me blush. Thanks for the kind words. I read thru the forum daily, but haven’t been joining in like I have in the past. I feel like an outlier, the old man that is irrelevant to the cases of the young. I do intend to post an update soon, I had a crash recently that has dropped me to my knees. Also, @Exsexgod, I should apologize to you my friend. You reached out here and I didn’t respond. You seem to be doing better. Stay strong. Jim

Hello dear “old” friend. A crash put you to your knees. What shall I write you as I sit in my chair too, now a 61 yo senior and see the spring rising outside. These days taking my bicycle all my life for a nice pre spring ride or a long walk.

Now I wait for the third summer with this shit and I have at least no motivation anymore. May I say that? You know from all the other posts here that we all recover and this pfs is just a little hormonal imbalance.

I hope we have not to tell us this fucking shit! There has been a memorial ice hockey game in Toronto for Mark Turner, who committed suicide. Heartwarming pictures of some pfs guys and the parents. With my friend Erik and friends and relatives there is a little loving community, with etical principles to warn other young men taking the internet marketed hims, keeps and my spring products and supporting great research ongoing.

As you liked my response to the next infantil recovery post like you and Lazarus it’s hard to find a normal conversation in this grotesque clownery of a severe disease. That’s the reason why I delete so much comments.

So I try to hangle from day to day, motivation from two old friends and a nurse service. As you know that all recover, I can say as a dark minded outsider, it’s at least only a daily fight for my child.

[Exsexgod]

And I hope from my heart that your lifelong loving wife is still standing by your site and you are going through the tough senior days together.

[Erik]

Summers are the worst. I can handle winter much more easily.

[JimWildman]

I put this picture on my Farcebook page a week ago. Not one person has asked about it. People generally don’t care anymore.

[Exsexgod]

It’s like the nomads, they walk to the new hunting grounds and let the weak ones behind. No one looks back.

[JimWildman]

Hard to believe it’s been nearly 6 months since I last posted here.

Our friend @Exsexgod wrote the following recently:
I fall deeper, deeper and deeper, loosing every power. Getting fatter, fatter and fatter. Getting immobile, more and more housebond. Living with my fantasies 95 % in the past… Bloodpressure through the roof. Breath short.

He has written my story as well! Instead of enjoying a life of retired leisure activities, I stumble from day to day.
I need to add one more short and simple line:

Waiting daily for this miserable life’s end. Jim

[Exsexgod]

I grew up in a litlle suburb, in the 60ties a village with farmer boys, bakery daughters and village people in my primary school. The wild 70ties with glam rock from England and then Punk in the early eighties. Study in West Berlin, wall was down experincing all the east Berlin Club sceene. Years in the hinterlands “Grimms thales land” Düsseldorf and Colonge, back home. I met so many different people, lived with women, affairs, parties, friendship with so many guys.

Now forgotten! Nobody left! Two old friends! The childreen on weekends, but they go their own way. Sometimes I’m full of fear for the childreens future. Germany was the safest country of the world all my life. Now getting a failed state. Lost my money and estate because of Oil Boycott and supervisor etc. too. I’m forgotten.

Then here! Im happy that two guys recovered in my german group. Spontaneous, not by fucking hcg lie. But the rest, only some are very active, together with pssd to rise awarness and fund good research with universities and new techniques. But the rest only expiriencing hcg voodoo cult and fake recoveries. So I feel lonly in the groups too.

Forgotten and shut off. Like the silent majority of us. So I sit in mc chair day in day out, cant face the whore I had, cant face the sick midget urologist with his mini cock in summer 2018 in his Surgerey shorts in the practice, cant face that I sent probes to an asbestos lab before I renovated a wall and didnt check my pills…

[JimWildman]

@Exsexgod

Forgotten and shut off. Like the silent majority of us.

Friend, you and I face a denial that the younger ones do not: the denial that we are sick from some strange drug reaction, instead we are sick simply because we are old.

I am nearing 68 next week, and people including my wife will tell me that the ailments I have are those shared by many old folks. (Regardless of the fact that I was very healthy and sexually active just a few years ago.)

I don’t have PFS I’m told,
I am merely growing old!
Jim

[JimWildman]

@JimWildman

I intend to post an update soon, I had a crash recently that has dropped me to my knees.

I wrote that a full year ago, and still have not posted a decent update. I will finally try, breaking it into manageable segments.

I wrote then that I was deep in a crash. The best I could figure was I had taken zinc for a month to ward off winter colds. Afterwards I read that zinc could cause problems, and boy howdy, it did to me! No zinc for me ever again.

Today, a quick catch-up on sex. A few months after the crash I actually started experiencing nocturnal erections! First time in years! This developed into rare daytime erections, as well.

I thought I was on the way to recovery, but overnight it all ceased. No hint of erections, day or night. No sexual dreams. All gone with the wind.

Possibly the worst part, my penis is shrinking. Last summer it was near normal’s 6 inches, now it is at barely 2". Hardly enough to hold onto to piss. And that my friend is depressing!

I have no idea what caused this genital crash. No new meds. No illness. Just gone, overnight. And that’s part one of my update. Jim

[JimWildman]

I do not post here as often as I should…but today I must.

Yesterday I made an attempt at humor on a fellow poster’s topic. No harm intended, but it was not appreciated. He called me on it, and I sincerely apologized. He says we’re good now, and I pray that is true. I’ve been miserable all day at the thought I caused distress to this good man. Again, I apologize to my friend.

This incident made me realize anew, how this insipid PFS can harm us in vastly different ways sometimes.

Some here lose weight uncontrollably, and others gain weight despite diets.

Some have brain fog, others stay sharp. Sometimes it comes and goes!

Some can take a vitamin like zinc and they crash, and others feel no effects.

Worst, some recover in several months (yay!) while others are tormented for decades! (I’m at 4+years now.)

Mostly I’m reminded that under it all, we are all hurting with no cure in sight. We need to support each other through this mess. Stay strong, brothers. Jim

[LazarusRy]

Jim you are a good man, you always try to be a positive influence on here with your empathetic understanding and caring nature.

[JimWildman]

I was preparing for a new post here, and got a surprise shock!

I’ve thought this is my 4th anniversary of my PFS, and yes, I have now been on this forum for four years now. But…

Rereading my first post here, I see with shock that my PFS started in April 2019. FIVE years ago, not four. I lost a year in this battle!

This worries me anew, as I read here recently that a good number of us heal in their 4th year. Significance unknown, but something to look forward to. Now that’s a false hope for me.

Five years this month. Damn. Jim

[AnotherFool]

Jesus. Did the missing year occur while you were at the lowest point of PFS, or was this something that occured to you without explanation?

[JimWildman]

@AnotherFool

was this something that occured to you without explanation?

In retrospect, I must have in my blurred mind, associated my years of PFS with my time here. Never thought twice about it! Until…recently I reread my first post and realized I had PFS for a year before starting my member story.
The shock was like being an adult who just discovered he’s adopted!
My own fault, I guess! Thanks for asking…Jim

[JimWildman]

I write this to give hope to those men in the same boat who have lost their sexual ability and wonder if it will ever come back…

SEXUAL RECOVERY AFTER 5 YEARS?

(This entry contains blunt talk of sexual conditions. Read no further if you’ll find this offensive.)

Five years ago I was a hypersexual male, enjoying sex several times a day whenever possible. My penis had a length of 7 in erect and about 5 in flaccid. It was also thicker than average.

I was prescribed finasteride in the form of Proscar for treatment of BPH. Within 3 months all my sexual function and activities ceased. I could not have an erection and had no interest in sex for the next three plus years. I cannot say if this was anhedonia or if my mind was protecting me by making me forget what sexual happiness I had.

One day about 2 years ago the blinders came off and I recalled what a sexually satisfied life I had before, and realized how much I had been missing. Shortly after that the unhappiness over my current condition grew until I became suicidal. It is simply by the luck of fate that I am here today but that is another story.

I also had many of the other symptoms of PFS, but this particular post centers on the sexual aspects. At about the four-year point I started to have nocturnally erections again and even occasional morning wood. I even managed to have sex with my wife again, and thought maybe life was returning to normal. And then I crashed.

For another year I could not get erections again. My penis had shrunk to barely two to three inches long in its soft state, and there was no erection to measure. In addition it was totally numb with no feeling whatsoever. There was a post on the Forum that indicated that some people had a recovery around the four-year mark and I thought I had almost had that …and it was gone.

Now I am a few months past the 5-year mark, and I am writing this to tell you that I am having the start of another potential recovery. My penis has recovered several inches of its length and instead of being numb it is now super sensitive. With proper stimulation (fellatio) I can achieve an erection that will last 5 to 10 minutes maximum, far short of my healthy days but much better than the last 5 years! The extremely sensitive head has made it difficult to last any longer.

I am not able to achieve erection on a frequent basis, only once or twice a week.The next day or two afterwards I feel like I am totally exhausted. But I have had strength enough to have intercourse twice in the last month. (I still have my failure days.) Also the firmness is not bone hard as it used to be, but is firm and stiff enough to do the job. Comparable to a stick of pepperoni or sausage I guess.

I do not know if this will be an ongoing recovery or if a crash is in my future again. I will update this journal as the weeks pass if there is an interest in that. I write this to give hope to those men in the same boat who have lost their sexual ability and wonder if it will ever come back. For those readers who have PFS but have managed to continue their sex life, you are experiencing a treasure that many of us have not.

FOOTNOTE:

My wife was my sexual companion for over 45 years, willing to try anything, anytime. When PFS robbed me of my sexuality and we had a four year period with no intercourse, she slowly lost interest. When I had my short-lived recovery she was there to try, but when I had my crash she said that it was “just as well” because she was no longer interested in sex. I was devastated. However, I would not give up my hope of regaining my sexuality. Now that I am experiencing a potential recovery, we have a long time lady friend who has volunteered to help me in my Rehabilitation with my wife’s blessings. (Lady friend is the best fellatrix I’ve known!) I cannot imagine what I would do otherwise. Jim

[JimWildman]

Friday I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. We discussed my hypothyroidism and my med dosages for that. We also discussed the TRT I have been taking for years.

She is a new doctor for me and I felt like she was getting frustrated with an inability to get the dosages right in what she thought would be an open/shut case.

I decided it was time to spring PFS on her. I told her about my use of Proscar 5 years ago, and the immediate side effects it had on my body. She knew about finasteride as a medicine but didn’t seem aware of what we call PFS.

I told her that research so far showed gene silencing and 5ar antagonists… and so much more I can’t explain. She knew a little about that but not much.
Afterwards I sent her a link from this site so that she could look into it, but honestly I don’t think she intends to. She could surprise me and do some research into it, (and at least she wasn’t like my GP who threw his hands up in the air in total lack of Interest.)

BTW this was only my second appointment with her and I had not mentioned PFS previously. I thought I would enter this into my record. Comments? Jim

[Taw]

^
^
^
Instead of Tongkat Ali, brother got some Thongkat Ellie. (Inside joke)

[JimWildman]

I posted the following in the Favorite Music column, hoping to explain music’s importance to me.

I feel it is important to post it here, in my personal journal, as well. I want this in my personal record for future readers who may never read that music thread.

The mods have been kind in allowing me to use the musical conversation as a therapy for my PSA-tortured soul. I thank them, and remind you all that comments and contributions are welcome!

Now my true confession:

My mom was a music teacher. She instilled a love of music in all 4 of her children. She confessed once that growing up she had dreams of being a concert pianist, or an acclaimed singer. (This is a lady who grew up in depression years.) She added that as a teen, she would go to her room after supper, open her window and sing to the world.

My youngest sister has perfect pitch. Her instrument is her voice, and I have posted her music skills in the song column previously. She has performed in public as recently as 2023, and is also involved in theater acting/singing, including most recently a production of Cabaret.

My other sister was in high school band and sings well, but has been the black sheep who never pursued music.

My brother leans to stringed instruments. He plays 6 and 12 string guitar, acoustic and electric, as well as the banjo. Not a singer, though!

Myself? I played piano and organ, I liked the keyed music. I have dabbled in guitar with my brother’s urging, and even have a couple autoharps (think Carter family). I sang in the church choir and also in solo sets, pre-PFS.

PFS stole my love of music, for three years I had music anhedonia (my self-diagnosis.) I didn’t touch an instrument and did not turn my stereo on. I didn’t miss music and didn’t care. Slowly, the anhedonia lifted. I heard music again as a thing of beauty, not just noise.

I love music again but as a listener only. I cannot sing because I don’t have the wind to make it through even one verse, and cannot remember words. I can recall parts of verses of songs I’ve known for 60 years, but only bits and pieces. I do not play, my hands don’t cooperate.

That’s my story, why I started the music column. I’m praying for the day I can recall whole songs again, the day my fingers are capable of “tickling the ivories” again. Meanwhile, I’m there in the music room. Join me. Jim

[Dysfunkion]

Music has always been a huge part of my life too, never made any myself but I’m ok just being a listener. It took me many months to start enjoying music again. I can’t remember the month I started being consistently able to again but it was gradual. Now I enjoy a good 3-4 albums a day usually andd I like to listen to something new every day. I’ll just fire up last.fm, randomly pick a related artist to something I listened to recently, find a random album by them on soulseek, and that’s the music for the day. Makes every day feel a little different. I’ve learned to live with my memory loss, I can do daily life well but things like remembering and applying names to things/people, remembering what I did and when, and often a lot going on in my short term memory isn’t written to memory. I just let go, maybe one day I’ll find something that improves t but for now it is what it is.I’ll throw some music in the topic when I can.