So an update: I’m scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning. (It’s 530pm where I am now.) It’s an elective cosmetic procedure aimed at getting rid of all of that fat that has collected around my belly/waist/hips and (more recently) pectoral/under-the-shoulder area.
This is partly a long-standing issue. I had a period in college where I put on a lot of weight fast, then took it off, and it left with me with some excess fat around the belly. I was embarrassed by it, but in hindsight it was nothing like what’s happened since I started taking Propecia in 3/11. I didn’t make the connection for a long time, but w/in a few months of starting the drug, I noticed I was a lot more bloated around the belly. Diet and exercise weren’t issues. I couldn’t figure it out. Propecia never crossed my mind. Then I quit the drug in 6/12 – and within a few weeks, I felt my body getting bigger in the chest. I couldn’t pinpoint where. But I had been outfitted for new clothes just before I quit the drug, and by the end of the summer, all of those new shirts and jackets were really tight in the chest/shoulders. That probably has only gotten worse since then. It’s shocking when I take out a t-shit that used to be big on me 2 years ago and try to wear it now. It’s so tight. I don’t actually wear it in public – just keep it to as a gauge of how my body has changed/fat has redistributed.
There are other issues. I don’t get hard spontaneously. My libido is limited. I’ve always been a stressful person, but I really don’t handle stress/anxiety well since I’ve been on this drug. I sleep terribly. The slightest among of anxiety will make my chest so tense and I’ll end up staying up all night. I don’t sweat like I used to. My body odor – woah, since quitting in 6/12, it’s been rancid. I get whiffs of it sometimes. What happened??? I saw Dr. Alan Jacobs and tried a number of approaches w/ him – all documented here. Ultimately, T injections provided one small, miraculous wave or normalcy, now just over a year ago – a fleeting moment when I thought I;d escaped this prison. But since then, I walk around w/ a penis that doesn’t get hard without a lot of effort, that when hard is an inch smaller than it used to be (used to tuck morning erections into my waistband while walking to the bathroom; now it won’t reach, and when I do get a morning erection, it vanishes instantly upon waking).
I have gone back and forth about spending time on this site. I’ve visited and contributed in spurts. It’s depressed me and contributed to a feeling of helplessness and despair sometimes. More recently, it’s been a source of some hope – the story from CDNuts and a few others reporting success with similar regimens, and also a thready suggesting that progesterone could be very helpful too. Maybe I’m imagining it, but it seems like lately there’s been an uptick in encouraging personal stories on here – people actually getting results. And there does seem to be a lot of common ground in what they report doing – focus on diet (Paleo-ish), no booze, no caffeine, no processed stuff, focus on stress management and getting real sleep. Maybe fasting. Maybe adding in some supplements. Heavy lifting and sprinting (I’ve always been more of a distance runner but have been experimenting with sprinting lately – completely different experience). Maybe progesterone. I do feel there’s some room for hope here, and for me (and others) to use these stories as building blocks for creating healthy lifestyles that will improve our symptoms. As I type this, I just finished my dinner of turkey, asparagus, broccoli and mushrooms, with water. Earlier I had a raw green drink. I never ate like this before. I haven’t fully committed yet. It’s hard. I’m single, I’m in NYC. My friend invited me out to watch college football yesterday. We were at a bar. I drank with everyone else. I got pizza slices on my way home. I feel like I have to just give this up completely, go all in on a healthy lifestyle. But I’m scared too. It could be lonely. I have to worry about mental health too.
The surgery is part of this rough plan I’ve put together. Living with this body, trying to squeeze into clothes that use to be baggy, is a constant, miserable reminder of what this drug did to me. I feel disgusting. I also worry that the fat that’s collected is a haven for estrogen – estrogen that only worsens my symptoms, that threatens to block progress I might otherwise make if I embrace this healthy lifestyle. So I want to have the surgery, to get rid of all that fat. To get a body that I feel OK about. To then commit myself, with a body I feel good about, to getting fully healthy.
This is major surgery. I’m scared. I’ve told basically no one. I see a psychologist and she knows, and I told one friend a very broad version of it. (I’m required to have someone pick me up after it’s over, so I had to tell someone.) But my family has no idea, friends, coworkers – no one really knows what I’ve been going through and what I’m about to put myself through. I feel very alone right now. Very vulnerable. It really hit me last night, and I didn’t sleep. I’m scared of the anesthesia, of not waking up. I’m intimidated by the recovery – this is going to be long, and slow, and painful, especially the first week. My work life is insane, and not slowing down. I’m off till next Wednesday, but I already know it’s going to be very hard to throw myself back in then, just 9 days after surgery like this. But I have no choice. I feel like I’m in such a bad place, that my body is only getting worse, that estrogen is only accumulating in my chest and other fat pockets, only making every other problem I have that much worse. I can feel estrogen-y now. My nipples feel like tingly/electric. This happens a lot now. The hair is disappearing from my legs – the lower parts are almost completely bare now, like I’m an 8-year-old kid. I feel like something could go wrong with the surgery…but wow, look at what has gone wrong. Look at what my life is now. Look at how long it’s been this way. I’m 34 and I’ve spent the last year-and-half as more or less a eunuch. I cry all of the time. It’s just horrible. You’re on this site, you know what I mean.
So I’m scared now, unsure if I should do this, but also aware that I’ll probably never be 100% sure if I should do something like this. I’ve looked through the archives and can’t seem to find anyone else who’s tried something like this. I have no illusions about this fixing everything. I just see it as a way of starting over…with a long and very uncertain process ahead of me. So that’s my deal right now. If anyone happens to be around, would be cool to hear a response tonight, even if it’s just to say “I know how you feel.” Like I said, I’m feeling extra alone right now. No one should go into surgery like this all by themselves. I can see that. But I wouldn’t even know where to begin with family and friends. I’m the guy who’s always told them about the latest medical problem I have – I’ve always panicked, always self-diagnosed. Of course I’d be one of those rare guys who thinks he has all of these bizarre Propecia side effects. I don’t want to worry my parents either. I don’t want to drag them into this. I’m 34 and this is where life has brought me. Its a nightmare I couldn’t have ever imagined.