I’m from the Deep South (Melbourne). The highlands are a really lovely spot.
I have posted about this here before…Its fucked me up so bad I used to go through pictures and shit on my phone and became obsessed with previous years…Especially the ones right before I took the drug…like 2013 and 2012…I would match the days and dates up like 2013 and 2019 are twin calendar years so the dates all are the same both years…I would go out in 2019 and retake the same pics on the same days as I did back in 2013 when I was normal…As if u are trying to re insert yourself back in the past…Even seeing the year 2013 on TV or a car model or something would trigger it.
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I fantasize about this every day.
Like, making deals with a God a don’t even believe in.
A couple of months ago I was watching TV when suddenly I stumbled across an episode of Dragon Ball, right when the characters were summoning Shenron. It doesn’t take an overdose of immagination to guess what I was thinking about.
It’s pathetic, I know. But it haunts me every goddamn day.
I Play it every day. Why has it. the urologist given to me, although I told to be a sexuall active man, one year before I Took the First Pill. Why I didn’t listen to the listed sideeffects. Why didn’t I look into the Internet. Why not thinking of women. The only thing ist I took it with 60 Years as medical Treatment. My live is destroyed for the Last 15 Years. A real horror is than that a psychiatric want to set me on a prosac treatment when I was 30 y/o my brain said no. Having Acne in the year 1976 a dermatologist prescriped me VitAacid / Accutane hasn’t been on the market yet - peuw. Otherwise I had missed my whole sexlive for a f…cking pill.
I guess I’ll use this thread as a diary of sorts.
How the fuck can I not be mad? I’ve already been through so much bullshit in life (depression, anxiety, family troubles) but I always felt young and confident and like I could overcome anything. In fact just when I took the fin in January this year I was at the peak of my confidence, health, etc. I was going to do so much - I was going to get involved in my community, I was going to find an apartment and move out of home, I was going to fool around with plenty of cute girls, I was going to go on road trips and watch movies and go to parties and just enjoy life for basically the first time in my life. I had worked so fucking hard on getting myself into a good place and yet I didn’t even get a chance to do that. I certainly didn’t want to be spending this time of my life curled up in a ball most days watching stupid YouTube videos to get my mind off how bad I feel.
And now my life feels so fucked. My skin is pale and clammy. I have grown a big gut and man tits. I have practically zero interest in sex, not to mention huge confidence issues now. My eyes have sunken and my cheekbones receded. I literally look like a different person.
Not to mention the depression, the cold sweats, the panic attacks, the nightmares, the emotional blunting, the huge feels of derealisation… it’s insane. It’s inhuman the sort of suffering I’ve been through.
I’m functionally an alcoholic. Not because I wanted to be but because my parents are drinkers and it’s been easy for me to turn to booze to deal with this. And I don’t even enjoy drinking any more, when before it used to be so fun. I just do it because it numbs the pain and my body craves it. Not to mention the smoking. My health is at its worst it’s ever been when literally just a few months ago I was at the height of my physical health.
I feel like I’ve watched so much of life pass me by. Parties, experiences, girls, jobs, friends, hobbies… all just evaporating before me. And I don’t know what the fuck to do. There’s literally nothing I can do other than hope I recover and wait. I feel like I can barely relate to people now. I’m in disbelief myself. What the fuck was all this? How did something like this fucking happen? To have your prostrate shrink, your sex drive collapse, your brain shut down, your emotions go offline, your mood destabilised, your body change and morph in all sorts of horrific ways… it’s like a body horror movie, only it’s fucking real. And no one even fucking knows about it.
I used to love life so much. I used to feel so confident about myself too. Maybe I even had a bit of ego, but so what, I feel like most people do. Plus when you’re young you’re allowed to be slightly full of yourself, right? But now I feel like some broken old body. Like this asexual blob that just… exists. I don’t care about anything. I have no passion or motivation. And even the few small things that bring me pleasure are hard to do because my focus is so fucked and my brain can’t concentrate for more than a few seconds.
Why did this happen to me? I know it shouldn’t happen to anyone, but I thought I knew how to protect myself. My diet has always been good, I don’t speed, I don’t do hard drugs (other than booze), I get out on nature… I know how to look after my body. Except apparently I didn’t. Apparently I let my guard down and let this awful thing into my life.
I know it sounds shitty to say, but I feel like an inferior person to the one I used to be. I know everyone is valuable anyway, but on a personal level I just feel… fucking broken. I feel less intelligent. Less articulate. Less interesting. Less healthy and less strong and less everything basically. I feel awful. I still keep expecting to wake up the day before I took this drug and go back to my old life. But that’s not possible.
I’ve thought about suicide so many times. I still do each day in fact. I just can’t see myself living like this. I don’t want to die and I’m hoping I can make sense of this but my whole life feels broken. It feels like my body has just been wasted for no reason. I know there’s suffering in life. There’s wars, disease, heartbreak, all that. But at least with those things there’s always a cause. At least with those things you can avoid them to a lesser or greater degree if you’re cautious. But this thing is just not something you ever expect to happen. A fucking hair loss drug that ruins lives and leads to suicides. It’s not meth. It’s not heroin. It’s not a bullet. It’s not chemo. It’s a fucking hair loss drug. It’s for the most bullshit medical issue and yet it has the worst effects of any drug I’ve ever heard of. Even chemo seems less awful than this.
I don’t know what to feel. I feel so fucking spurned and distraught. I’m actually praying for a miracle but other than that I don’t know what else to do. My whole life is going to be different from now on. Not just physically but also mentally. I feel like I’ve lost belief in so much of what I used to believe in. The world makes so much less sense now.
Anyway. I think I’m done. I hope you guys are OK, or at least in an ok spot right now. Fuck this awful drug.
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You probably are not mad because of the emotional blunting.
I can’t feel angry anymore. Sometimes it hits me how I’m uncapable of experiencing anger.
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The anhedonia sucks. It’s one of the worst things about this. Everything else sucks too but at least if you don’t have anhedonia you can feel your emotions properly, even the shitty ones.
I’m sure everyone can relate but I miss just being able to enjoy things. Right now the only thing I “enjoy” is YouTube because it doesn’t make me have to think and it’s just endless mindless entertainment. But I miss being able to read a book, have a good conversation, flirt with a girl, that kind of stuff. I just want to feel again more than anything.
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Cannot agree more.
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Hey, I never responded to your post. Melbourne is cool, I’m bit of a hipster so I don’t really mind it’s vibe, haven’t been in a while though 
How old are you if I might ask?
Ah, a hipster. We don’t need another one of your kind here 
I’m 34. How about you?