I cannot belive I am back on PFS forums and writing this. This is fucked up. After over 10 years with manageable PFS I crashed again and now it’s far worse than ever.
Quick background. Took Finasterid from 2004 to 2007 to combat hairloss. Suffered two major depressions while on it in 2006 and 2007 as well as sexual side effects. Crashed after stopping in 2007. Had some sexual sides as well as some emotional blunting. Did not make the connection with PFS until 2012 when I discovered Propeciahelp, but then it all made sense.
For the last couple of years I have been doing reasonably well. Sexual function was not what it should be but it was functional. And while I was aware that my emotions were blunted, I was able to ignore that and live a reasonably happy life. I have a good job, hobbies and even found the love of my life. I barely thought about my PFS and ignored everything related, because while I was not perfect, I wasn’t suffering and life was going on. I donated to the Foundation in hope that one day I will my full set and intensity of emotions back, but this issue did not occupy me much. That all changed one month ago…
In April, my sexual side were starting to fluctuate more. I had recovered my erection in the last couple of years and, while I did not have sex often due to lowered libido, when I did have sex my erection was rock solid and lasting. In April that wasn’t the case anymore. My erection was weaker and would only last moments without direct stimulation. I also got some weird feelings down there every now and then. I did not think much of it and hoped that would resolve itself. It didn’t. One day I had sex with my girlfriend and the erection was barely solid enough to have sex. When later that day she wanted a second round I couldn’t get aroused at all. After she left, out of frustration I masturbated twice to check sexual function. That was a bad idea. The next day(s) I think I crashed again. I had hot flushes in my body and a weird feeling in my head. I started to check out PFS websites again which obviously was a bad idea, because now I am obsessing about this issue again after ignoring it for many years.
Things have progressively become worse since. My emotional blunting is worse, I have brainfog, I have no appetite, libido is all but gone (ironically the weird feeling down there disappeared). I have this inner restlessness/stress/panic. I am constantly on the edge. I barely sleep. In the last couple of days I have slept an average of five hours at best. I can fall a sleep quickly, although I have to force myself to lay down (not feeling tired although I should be), but I wake up early with racing thoughts, my heart pounding and feeling sick to my stomach like I am in panic (and maybe I just am). I had that occaisonally before my recent crash, but it was rare and I would get better quickly, often after getting up and starting the day. Now that happens almost every day. Ironically, though, sometimes I get a little tired during the day and after a nap I typically feel less bad, while waking up in the morning is absolutely horrible. Not sure how that works…
I never told anyone about my condition, but I had to tell my girlfriend. She has been amazing, but it is hard for her to know that I am suffering which in turn makes it hard for me, too. I don’t want to drag here down that rabbit hole.
I am in dispair. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to live like that when you wake up physically sick every morning. I don’t know how long I can take that. I am functional at work, but it is a struggle. However, while rationally it makes sense, I have no longing for suicide (yet) either and couldn’t do that to my parents and girlfriend. I never tried any protocols, because their track record is bad. I know there are no treatments. Sometimes I wish I could just pop an antidepressant and feel better, but I know that is not possible and that they are trouble, too. I have faith in the foundation and the studies, but treatment options seem to be far away. I cannot live like this, I cannot die. I need help but cannot get it. I can’t even cry, although I would like, too, but I am too numbed. This is fucked up. My only hope is that this is a temporary crash and that I will return to my previous PFS baseline. But it has been a month already. I don‘t even know if my depression/anxiety/obsession issues are a new PFS symptoms or just me confronting the condition again that I ignored for so long…
I am not sure, where I am going with this, I know that none of you can really help, but I guess I had to write it down. I so wish I could go back to my oldself, even my old PFS self…