Last night was interesting. Somehow got in a positive/good mood and brain fog seemed to pretty much clear up. I felt like myself again (laughing and joking, lots of energy, quick wit), minus the sexual sides, but even those had a change. I was laying around with the gf and my body seemed to attempt a spontaneous erection. Also think I had very very very slight libido return once or twice during the day. I remember thinking “man, when I get better I am going to fuck everything” at one point, then I stopped and wondered why I thought that. No reaction downstairs during that unfortunately. Not feeling totally mentally clear today like last night, but I think it’s a good sign. Trying not to get too excited, but hopefully this is the beginning of recovery.
One thing I really don’t understand still is why my penis hangs thicker and longer than it used to. At first I thought hard flaccid, but I don’t have any of the symptoms other than it being somewhat engorged sometimes, and even then I wouldn’t describe it as hard because it’s still easily bendable and can flop around and doesn’t cause me any pain. It’s very strange. It doesn’t cause me any discomfort so I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s just unusual. Maybe it’s fluctuating because it’s trying to do spontaneous erections but failing? It does tingle sometimes and I kinda get an urge to touch it, but it’s been so long since I’ve actually been horny I’m not sure how to interpret that. I remember reading Dury’s recovery and he had the same thing going on and it went away when he got better, so I guess it’s nothing major.
Sorry for the multiple posts, trying to use this thread as a recovery journal of sorts.
After my last post, my brain fog got better. Up until today I felt very clear and quick mentally, I wasn’t anxious at all, etc. I felt very positive and was acting like my old self. I even went to a party and was making quick witted jokes the entire night, cracking everyone up like I used to. My sexual sides seemed about the same except for a couple weird things that happened. On Friday, I went out to a club with some friends. For whatever reason I felt very aggressive and everything was irritating me, though I wasn’t actually mad or in a bad mood. It was odd. (Maybe that’s testosterone returning to normal levels?) Then, on the drive home and after I got home, I had this weird “rush” feeling and felt REALLY horny. Like ridiculously horny. I didn’t have an erection, but I felt this feeling throughout my body for a little bit. It was this tingle, kinda like coming up on MDMA. Also, earlier that day or the day before, my girlfriend went out to get something at the store and while she was out I got this weird urge to look at porn (not jerk off, just look at it) so I did. Lo and behold, just watching porn gave me a pretty decent erection. I was ecstatic!
The only downside to the story is last night after the party I went to I rubbed one out to check ejaculate, orgasm, etc. and while they all checked out good (orgasm feeling was more intense after going down recently, also after ejaculating it took FOREVER for my penis to become flaccid again. Were I having sex I could have easily gone twice) I feel kinda crappy today, so doing that might have blunted my little recovery streak. Today I feel kinda foggy, I don’t feel as SUPER POSITIVE or have “that urge” and erection wasn’t as good today plus no morning erection which I normally have but I feel like if that all came back with me doing absolutely nothing (I even stopped all my supplements for a few days and stopped trying to maintain a perfect diet, ate pizza, soda, etc) then I actually have a pretty decent shot at a natural recovery. It is kind of a bummer because I genuinely felt cured mentally and on the way to being cured sexually, but I’m going to try to stay positive. I know those who have recovered say that it’s not a straight line, you have good days and bad until eventually the good outnumbers the bad and you’re all better. I usually masturbate once a week or so just to see how everything is working, so I don’t think that has a huge impact on recovery. I had done so only a few days before my little recovery streak that came out of nowhere. Given the recent improvements and the jerking it having halted them to an extent, I think I may lay off the fap regardless, just in case.
I was trying to pinpoint what may have caused that recovery, and the only difference between the last few days and the last few months is that I got into a good mood. I tried to stay as positive as possible and generally just chill out. When I did that, I saw immediate improvements. This kinda makes sense, because my initial crash happened at exactly the same time I found this site and absolutely lost my shit. Even after the crash, my body seemed to try to recovery at points but I was in a crippling depression. I remember reading a recovery story on here from a guy who tried everything to cure himself for 2 years, then when he diagnosed himself with adrenal fatigue, he did everything he could to just chill out and support his adrenals, then he got better in a few months. Maybe my PFS symptoms are similar and my constant stress, anxiety, depression, etc keep suppressing my body’s attempts to recover. I think if I try to remain as calm as possible, stay positive, and maybe hit the gym, I could cure myself in a fairly decent amount of time. It seems like my body is trying.
EDIT: Also, one other thing of note is that it seems pretty much everyone with PFS has sleep issues, but I do not. Today, for example, I slept 12 hours. On my days off I can easily sleep all day. Maybe that’s a good sign, too? I had sleep issues earlier in this situation, but it seems that was more related to extreme stress than PFS.
EDIT2: Also, upon feeling my nuts, it seems like on the left one I have varicocele. So that sucks. I have an appointment with a urologist in early March, so we’ll see. It’s possible I had it before taking propecia. It doesn’t cause my any discomfort and I never really checked my balls before this whole ordeal. Since it doesn’t hurt I’m not sure if it’s that important, I’m just concerned that it might impede my return to normalcy due to blood flow issues or something.
you are going to see a lot of ups and downs. Whatever happened to us, it is neurological. When you feel no congestion and your head is clearer you might have more urges and better feeling orgasms. It also appears that the adrenal glands are involved in this. I remeber once, I had an upward swing where I had an amazing orgams, within 2 minutes I literally couldnt get off the floor I was so tried and I had crushing lower back pain. That began a downward spiral. Hang in there, you will probably have a lot of swings.
You continue to post as if you know the absolute answers to everyone’s issues, when in fact research is required to elucidate definitive root causes.
Please refrain from making definitive statements such as the above. You have been warned about this repeatedly in the past and this will be the last warning.
My bad Mew, I will preface with IMO from now on
So yesterday I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep, frequently interrupted, due to some asshole who lives below me hammering a wall or something and phone calls. On top of that, accidentally came while doing one of my fairly regular faps without the finish. Also drank a soda today to stay awake at work (try to avoid caffeine these days). Observations:
- Felt somewhat brain fogged and in the dumps, but overall I’d still say it was still better than before the positive streak that started last Wednesday. Improved as the day went along.
- Semen still clear in parts, kinda chunky, but there was quite a load of it and it still shoots out with decent force. Actually had to block it with my hand, lol.
- Erection was pretty hard and full with stimulation, wasn’t expecting that having fapped Saturday night which I felt blunted my progress. Did notice I got to “tingle town” pretty quickly, so didn’t have my usual racehorse stamina. Probably why I finished on accident, was trying to straddle the line too much. If anything I’d say that’s a good sign as at least I don’t have numbness. There are a couple very specific spots I can pinch and not really feel anything, but nothing major.
- The strangest part was that later that day while at work, I felt like my body was attempting a spontaneous erection. I was busy with something and it seemed to begin one, though once I paid attention to it (I was like :O) it died pretty quick. Interesting that it even tried given the stress of the previous night (no sleep/fap).
I’m starting to really feel like I can beat this thing. I definitely feel like the brain fog’s days are numbered. I think if that’s getting better this soon without me really doing anything I think I have a good chance of recovering sexually as well. Other than my penis being bent and possible ball shrinkage, it seems my main issue is just lack of libido. I’m going to try to tackle that by trying to chill as much as possible as I think stress has greatly contributed to my lack of progress up to this point, and probably was the cause of my crash in the first place. I’ll also eat right and work out to boost T, which hopefully should boost libido combined with patience and time. I think working out will really help a lot. I’m pretty skinny and have never really hit the gym in my life. I also spend 95% of the day sitting, either at work (call center) or at home (video games) so I think that will really kick things into gear. I also have used progesterone a couple days, but I’m still on the fence about that. I may wait until I feel like I’ve plateaued naturally. I also think I’ll try to limit my time on this forum. Even if I don’t feel stressed, I’m sure it’s causing stress to some degree. Over the last 3 months I’ve been checking this forum a thousand times a day, every day. I think obsessing can definitely impede recovery, though it’s very hard not to obsess with this condition. 
Of course this could all go south tomorrow and I could develop horrifying sides I didn’t have before, but this is the most positive I’ve felt in months. I’m doing everything I can to hold onto it.
Feeling pretty derpy and anxious today. Only thing I did different was use some progesterone cream after I woke up, though I’ve used that a couple days before and had no issues. I felt fine when I woke up and on the way to work. Hoping it’s just an off day and I haven’t lost my progress or fucked anything up. Felt pretty much brain fog free for a couple weeks and sexual sides were slightly improved. I don’t know why prog would have this effect but I’m going to lay off of it now. I knew I shouldn’t have added any new things into the mix when I was feeling better but I’ve never read about anyone getting worse from prog.
Wow your story sounds just like mine, including the ups and downs. I have not experienced the penile curvature but some length loss and noticeable girth loss. I think Dr. Irwig’s study suggested that 40% of PFS men get suicidal thoughts. At times I realize one feels empty and without motivation. Libido is an important part of being male and its effects go beyond simply sexual desire. I experience suicidal thoughts periodically since I have had this condition and times when I feel hopeless and that I will never return to normal. I am one year out and experienced noticeable improvement several weeks after stopping Propecia but then lost 80% of the gains soon thereafter (except I get some week erections and occasional week morning erections that disappear quickly). I have not felt attracted to women much though I still check them out. Very disturbing. Have tried various herbals and TRT with minimal benefit. Anyway, you will have good days and bad days, hopeful days and hopeless days. There have been recovery stories here so you have to stay the course. Dying is not worth it. You may recover next month for example. You are still young. This will not be the last major challenge in your life. You will feel strong and fantastic when you recover. You’ll never mess with your hormones again! Let’s all stay in and beat this thing.
Thanks man. I’m definitely doing everything I can to remain positive. The recovery stories keep me going. I’ve had some good days recently and that makes me hopeful for a recovery. The worst part is regret and the uncertainty of the future.
Began my workout regime today. Really tore myself up lifting and ate a very healthy meal afterward. Hitting the gym seems to be one of the few consistent things between recovery stories I’ve read, so I’m optimistic that it will help me. While things could always take a turn for the worse, my brain fog seems to either be totally gone or tolerable most days, so I am hoping that will totally resolve itself in the near future. Other than my dick being bent and possible ball shrinkage, my main issue seems to be libido. I think my erection issues are mostly related to not being that “into it” and the brain/penis disconnect. I’m hoping that my improvements with brain fog relatively soon after quitting is a good sign toward my libido improving as well. At the very least I hope the brain fog totally clears and stays gone. While it really really sucks being impotent, at least with a clear head I can function day to day and enjoy life to an extent.
On a side note, recently I’ve gone out to clubs and drank for the first time since my crash. I limited myself to one drink to test the waters. Didn’t seem to have any kind of negative effect. The second time actually helped loosen me up and relax. Then I was able to dance and joke around the rest of the night. I don’t plan to make a habit of it, I don’t really like drinking in the first place, but it was interesting. Also, and this may totally be in my head, but I thought I noticed the texture of my penis improve the other day. I didn’t think it had changed in the first place (it’s hard to remember how things were before because I took everything for granted and never paid attention to it) but if it popped out as something noticeable I guess it did. To me it seemed smoother and softer than before. Again, that could totally be in my head. I also spend a while each day inspecting my pecs for gyno, but I’m sure if that were happening it would be fairly obvious.
Found out I’m losing my job today. This began a very intense downward spiral in depression. The job part didn’t actually bother me that much, I can easily get a job at my company’s competitor. For whatever reason it sparked a very dark and deep series of thoughts about this condition. I began thinking this is it, I’m going to be like this forever. Or I’m going to have it for years and years, losing out on the rest of my youth which I’ll never get back. I beat myself up over taking the medication when every fiber of my being told me not to, but my anxiety finally won out. I thought about what life would be like now had I never taken it. I thought about telling my girlfriend, whom I love every much, that it isn’t working out and we should split up, so she can be with someone normal and not deal with all my shit. I thought about selling everything I own to gather enough money for a plane ticket to Europe, travel around for a bit like I’ve always dreamed of doing, then finding a beautiful area out in the countryside somewhere to put a bullet in my head. I thought that it was sad I really don’t want to die and felt like I had so much to offer the world before last August, but this is all too hard.
Anyway, I’ve calmed down a bit now. Read some recovery stories, which help. I try to pretend I’m just like the guys that recovered like Big Softie and Chi and John Coleman, and I’ll recover, too. I’m still pretty sad, but at least I stopped googling pistol prices.
On a lighter note, brain fog still either light or nonexistant. I think most of the fog I feel now is just from the general sense of doom I have about my life. Began taking a supplement with my workout regime that contains niacin, tribbulus, horny goat weed, and some other stuff. Got an erection while laying in bed waiting to fall asleep, mind wandered to something sexy. Was nice, but probably related to that supplement being new and I doubt it’ll happen again. Oh well. Haven’t consistently tried prog cream, stopped taking most supplements. Having a hard time caring about anything, general sense of doom. Sorry to post here so much, feels good to vent here sometimes like a journal.
Today I cried and cried, all day, until I literally cried myself to sleep around 9:30PM. I woke up an hour later and got an erection. To clarify, I didn’t wake up with one. I woke up and a couple minutes later I adjusted my pants, then I got an erection which lasted until I got up and walked around.
That doesn’t really mean anything and is no sign of improvement. I just thought it was somewhat funny (was nice to chuckle after that kind of day) and shows how little this condition makes any fucking sense.
I know what you mean, Cap. Just be strong and resist. You could, like I usually do, blame yourself for taking finasteride in the past, but it wasn’t your fault. We all sought medical advice before taking this poison. It’s not your fault!!!
We in the same boat. Don’t give up…
Yeah, a large portion of the suffering comes from the guilt and regret of the past. There are so many little things that could and should have stopped me from doing it. I want to go back and not have done that. I know it’s impossible, but I can’t stop replaying that in my head. If I could only go back, if I could only go back, over and over. I really feel like I’m going crazy. Not just stressed, like literally straight jacket crazy. It’s getting too much to handle. A lot of you developed depression and anxiety from PFS. I had already been dealing with it my entire life, it’s why I began taking PFS in the first place despite my better judgement. PFS has kicked it into a whole other level I couldn’t previously fathom.
Last night I got about an hour of sleep (unrelated to PFS) and today during the day I’ve actually felt pretty awesome. So weird.
Cap, I have commented on that a lot over the last cpl years living with PFS. Sometimes only a couple or a few hours of sleep at night and waking up early gets me feeling very good the next day. Now sometimes fatigue will hit me like a ton of bricks later in the night, but it’s very, very bizarre. I do also very strongly feel that oversleeping and staying in bed late into the afternoon is horrible for PFS. That is not the normal body cycle. It doesn’t want that.
I suppose I should count myself fortunate that (at least so far) I don’t have any fatigue or sleep issues. One thing I probably should do is adjust my sleep cycle so I’m going to bed early and getting up early. I’ve always been more of a night person so I go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning when most people are getting up. I’ve seen Chi and some others suggest your body benefits more from “normal” sleeping hours, though as long as you’re getting 8ish hours on a regular schedule I don’t see why the time of day you’re getting it would matter.
Hi Cap
Your story and progress sounds very similar to mine. Pre 6 months my sexual symptoms would occasionally fluctuate and come and go (i would say the sexual side effects substantially disappeared at 3 months) but now they seem to have almost gotten back to normal. From what I have read it seems that regular and increasing amounts of improvement in various symptoms is a sign of recovery and that was definitely true in my case.
I wish you luck. I think an important thing to remember is that the mental side effects make all the other side effects seem worse and even more hopeless. Cling onto those days where the depression and negative thoughts clear and know that is the true state of things. If you can face this hell with positivity (as impossible as that is at times) you will definitely maximize any improvements that may come your way.
Thank you for the kind words.
If I may ask, how would you describe your sexual improvements over time? As in, were they slow to the point of being imperceptible, or were there days when you were like HOLY SHIT and felt substantially better and it continued from there? On some level I feel like I am improving, but honestly it’s difficult to tell whether I am improving at all most of the time. Of course I’m only five months into it and a month seems like 30 years with this shit.