Hey Ryan,
Your post is absolutely heartbreaking. Unfortunately I can’t say that a post like this is uncommon here or unexpected for any of us given the tragedy that has befallen us. However, I think it is too early for you to give up. In fact, it is always too early to give up!
Extreme suffering works in unexpected ways. You suffer like hell and are taken all the way to the edge. And just when you think you cannot take it anymore, you get tangibly better - usually the next day after a complete meltdown. I am not talking about improving your PFS symptoms. I am talking about getting an inch closer to acceptance, which brings peace and helps you find new meaning in life. But you have to survive until the next day.
This process repeats itself after every bout of extreme pain you go through. This is how acceptance works. You need to suffer intensely in order to incorporate the tragic information into your mental models of the world. Unfortunately this process won’t be over overnight. You have to go through it over and over and over again. Then eventually you will reach a level of acceptance where you will find a way to live even if you never recover.
I know you don’t want to accept the tremendous losses you have incurred and don’t want to live like this any more, but trust me that you will be able to with time - and most importantly, with suffering. You have a lot of reasons to live. You have a kid for example, which is the dream of many people here who fear they will never have a family or kids.
The process I am describing here is the absolutely bitterest pill to swallow but unfortunately the only one that works with things we cannot change. The other thing that works for easing suffering - in an entirely different way - is hope, but hope can be elusive. You can only sustain hope for so long without evidence that it is real. I personally relied on hope for two years after I got PFS. I hoped that I would get better, that a treatment would materialize soon, that there were protocols I had not tried yet. Gradually all hope left me.
Then I really hit rock bottom. I had to give up my illusions. I had to accept that I would be single and lonely. That I would have trouble walking and my dick would be shrunken. That I would have anhedonia and a low level of motivation. I accepted everything I didn’t want to accept. The pain of acceptance is indescribable…and then it eases up. Once you reach acceptance you can actually live without the things you have lost. And then you can start hoping again that one day you may get some of them back. But that would be extra and your life will not depend on it.
So stick around if for no other reason than to find out what you are capable of enduring (although you have other great reasons too). You will be surprised how strong you really are.