It’s just been 3 weeks of the drug technically, but things are so fucking tough right now and I don’t see any way out of this besides suicide.
I don’t wanna see how my symptoms get worse each day, how I’m a complete shell of what I once was.
I’m so alone and accompained at the same time. Alone in the sense that almost all the interactions that I have with strangers and close ones are damaged by my syndrome, the way I behave has been changed towards the nature of a cockroach and how the constant desinterest towards the things I had strong passion for are gone.
Before all of this, I wasn’t exactly in a good spot either. I knew in 2018 that I was just pure potential and I was thrilled on the mere idea of exploting it. People told me all the time that I was preety sharp, interesting and in some ocassions, good looking. I’ve been dealing with so many bad situations throught my life, most of them due to my own fuck ups and errors, but the idea that I had potential and people told me so kept me afloat.
Now that potential is gone.
I can’t have good and interesting conversations with strangers like I used to. The sense of wonder that I’ve had throught all my life in regards to a whole array of topics is long gone also. The cravings for a good piece of content like a tasty book,movie, series or anime are burrowed way underneath and I don’t have a shovel.
I know that this would be discouraging to a lot of users and probably this will Isolate me even more from this community, It already has in a big way. I’ve Dm’s a lot of people in here just to be rejected.
By playing devils advocate, in the Dm´s I seemed fairly desesperate and not so articulate as I normally am -that probably was a turn off.
Going on with the latter aspect: I’m being severely dependant of my family right now, It’s like if I was transformed into a sick child. This wouldn’t be a problem if I loved my family, but this is not the case.
3 months ago I was hoping and planning a way of achieving my own independence from the pathological crib I was born in. Now I’m crippled in that same crib while rotting away in the process.
I’ve tried contacting some friends, my best friend supports me in all of this in a way, but the antisocial behaviour that I’ve developed throught the years is leading me towards becoming a hermit of some sorts when I’m dealing with my downswings —the same downswings that will keep intensifying as time passes.
In regards of love? I’ve never had a romantic relationship before, at my 19 years of age, not because of involuntary celibate but a voluntary one way before all this happend. I was afraid of intimacy with people, specially with the other sex. Not the type of fear typically is portrayed in the media or in the typical nerdy archeotype. I would get close with a girl, start having feelings for her and viceversa, but when I would perceive that things were getting more and more I would just ran away, metaphorically speaking.
I’ve had so many opportunities to stablish a good relationship with a girl and I ditched most of them because… I’m conflicted on the why of this. I surely had a hatred so deep within myself that I didn’t want for them to get to know my blind spots, also if you count my past history in regards of body image this surely played a role in all of this. Other big aspect was that I was extremely picky; picky not in the sense of being physically superficial, but picky in the sense that I wanted someone who I could trully connect with. Now that little childlish dream that I had? Long gone.
Career wise? I graduated from Highschoolin late 2018 on a nightschool. After I received my diploma, I had plans of studying the next year to get a good Gpa while working on a part time job while simultaneously improving the legitimate mess that I had done. Here we are tho. Crippled with an Unknown medical condition that is damaging my physical, sexual and cognitive health one day at a time.
I passed from being someone who had the capability of being alone with himself and trully enjoy it, someone who had endearing conversations with others, someone who had promised that life was worth living in 2018 to this.
For a fact I’m damaging my enviroment also, being an energy vampire towards everyone who I interact with — something completely different from who I achieved to become in 2018.
I miss being capable of reading books, having long bike rides, having deep conversations with people, playing video games, being flabbergasted by a wondefull piece of film.
I was the interesting underground guy who had some big plans, me and others could see that.
The chances of me getting better in a country like Chile, were supplementation is near impossible seems unlikely and a tourtous process.
This will probably seem out of place. An image comes through my mind while I’m typing this; a comment I did in a youtube video some relatively few months back. This video was an animation called Genius party beyond.
I remember making an interpretation on the meaning of the whole animation in itslef —people loved it.
People told me stuff like teach me to think like you, how did you came up with this and throwing a lot of possitive messages. Not really sure why I remember this so fondly. Probably is the fact that I lost one of the great things about myself which was my cognitivity.
Now I’m just a Chilean dude who has no prospects for the future.